25 Comments

How do you raise good kids but also stay you? I crave stories of parents (tbh mostly moms) who wrestled with their identities as a parent, and how maintaining your non-mom identity actually benefited the culture of your family

Expand full comment
author

Sarah this is such an important topic - thank you so much for commenting! I actually gave a talk on this about ten years ago. I’ll find the video and write more about this in the coming weeks.

Expand full comment

The way I stayed myself was actually training myself to internalize that my children were their own people. They were not mini mes but had their own hopes and dreams separate from mine. I prioritize self first. I am a human, a writer, then a mom.

Expand full comment

I am taking a Guided Auto Biography course and am loving it.

Each of your areas is fantastic. Instead of my opinion on which ones to focus on here is an idea for a process for you to decide:

Sit down and write 1-2k on each. Print them all out - then read through them all - any themes? what calls to you? Use that! What should be left on the ground perhaps for another time? Leave it but do pick it up off the ground, as it might not be ready for others eyes. 😉

Expand full comment
author

I love this! I’m very analog in my brainstorming phase and have sticky notes all over the walls in my office. There will definitely be pages strewn across the floor at some point!

Expand full comment

Love those topics—all good ones to pursue. Two more ideas and conversation areas that have been part of our young adult parenting: gender and work/vocation.

Expand full comment
author

Oh yes, these are good and I do have personal stories about both of these topics!

Expand full comment

What I love talking about (and find hard to talk about, because none of my CLOSE friends have kids, and none of my parent friends are close enough) I love talking about the mirroring that our children do. How sometimes it feels like even a slight change in my own mood has such a visible and direct effect on their behaviour. That the emotional self regulation I have to do all day every day feels like the most invisible yet the hardest labour I’ve ever had to do.

Also how different dynamics are between parents and children. My fiancé works more than an average dad that I know, and I work much less than an average mom. At a traditional job, anyway. So leaving my kids even for half a day is a huge challenge for me, when other moms I know can leave easily for a week. And it’s all okay in my book, but people without children never seem to understand that the bond with my kids isn’t a burden to me. It’s just where I am at. Though of course burnout is real.

Expand full comment
author

I was a stay at home mom for about 7-8 years, so a lot of this resonates. Definitely the differing dynamics between each parent and the kids.

I wonder if the emotional regulation you mention is similar to what Sarah says in another comment here about the difficulty in maintaining your own identity?

Expand full comment

I guess the identity crisis can be a side effect of doing this all day every day.

Expand full comment
Oct 11, 2023Liked by Jen Zug

Love all of this. One thing that I am wrestling with today is when to lean in versus when to stand back. When do we allow them to learn from the mistakes, versus when do we give them a nudge (or seven)? When do we protect our own energy and mental health, versus when we continue to try and create moments of connection?

Expand full comment
author

I feel this. It’s so hard, especially as they get older and the stakes get higher. ❤️ you, friend.

Expand full comment

Oh I’m so excited about this book!

Expand full comment
author

*kermit muppet dance* 🎉

Expand full comment

make the non-talker talk.

Expand full comment
author

Ha! I have one of those.

Expand full comment

I am fascinated by helicopter parents. How did they become that way? Why? This is especially interesting as (in theory) my wife and I are the same age as these people.

Expand full comment
author

I was far too lazy to helicopter over the kids. 😂

Expand full comment

Let them learn the hard way. They don’t listen anyway. 🙃

Expand full comment

Haha. Same! I don't know how they do it.

Expand full comment
Oct 14, 2023Liked by Jen Zug

I don't have anything specific to ask right now but I wanted to say that living with you and Bryan for that brief period of time has helped me so much thus far in my very new parenting journey (my kiddos are almost 3 and 2!). I can't thank you both enough for being your real authentic selves. It is a blessing even though we are now miles apart. Love you all!

Expand full comment

Jen, this sounds like such an awesome project! I'm not a parent but gosh, some things are universal, right? Looking forward to reading - I love all the topics you've listed, and even as a non-parent feel I could learn a great deal from your words.

Expand full comment
author

I’m so glad you commented, Rebecca, because as I work on the book it’s taking on a more wholistic perspective than just parenting. I’m excited to see where it takes me and if it will have a greater audience appeal.

Expand full comment

That's brilliant, Jen!

Expand full comment

My stage right now is modeling the behavior I want to see. How do I become better at keeping my word, keeping up routine, and being a role model? If kids know one thing, it’s hypocrisy and while it’s a bummer to have to sit and read a book to get them to read, it’s something I have to do.

Expand full comment