25 Comments

How do you raise good kids but also stay you? I crave stories of parents (tbh mostly moms) who wrestled with their identities as a parent, and how maintaining your non-mom identity actually benefited the culture of your family

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Sarah this is such an important topic - thank you so much for commenting! I actually gave a talk on this about ten years ago. I’ll find the video and write more about this in the coming weeks.

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The way I stayed myself was actually training myself to internalize that my children were their own people. They were not mini mes but had their own hopes and dreams separate from mine. I prioritize self first. I am a human, a writer, then a mom.

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I am taking a Guided Auto Biography course and am loving it.

Each of your areas is fantastic. Instead of my opinion on which ones to focus on here is an idea for a process for you to decide:

Sit down and write 1-2k on each. Print them all out - then read through them all - any themes? what calls to you? Use that! What should be left on the ground perhaps for another time? Leave it but do pick it up off the ground, as it might not be ready for others eyes. 😉

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I love this! I’m very analog in my brainstorming phase and have sticky notes all over the walls in my office. There will definitely be pages strewn across the floor at some point!

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Love those topics—all good ones to pursue. Two more ideas and conversation areas that have been part of our young adult parenting: gender and work/vocation.

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Oh yes, these are good and I do have personal stories about both of these topics!

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What I love talking about (and find hard to talk about, because none of my CLOSE friends have kids, and none of my parent friends are close enough) I love talking about the mirroring that our children do. How sometimes it feels like even a slight change in my own mood has such a visible and direct effect on their behaviour. That the emotional self regulation I have to do all day every day feels like the most invisible yet the hardest labour I’ve ever had to do.

Also how different dynamics are between parents and children. My fiancé works more than an average dad that I know, and I work much less than an average mom. At a traditional job, anyway. So leaving my kids even for half a day is a huge challenge for me, when other moms I know can leave easily for a week. And it’s all okay in my book, but people without children never seem to understand that the bond with my kids isn’t a burden to me. It’s just where I am at. Though of course burnout is real.

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I was a stay at home mom for about 7-8 years, so a lot of this resonates. Definitely the differing dynamics between each parent and the kids.

I wonder if the emotional regulation you mention is similar to what Sarah says in another comment here about the difficulty in maintaining your own identity?

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I guess the identity crisis can be a side effect of doing this all day every day.

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Love all of this. One thing that I am wrestling with today is when to lean in versus when to stand back. When do we allow them to learn from the mistakes, versus when do we give them a nudge (or seven)? When do we protect our own energy and mental health, versus when we continue to try and create moments of connection?

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I feel this. It’s so hard, especially as they get older and the stakes get higher. ❤️ you, friend.

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Oh I’m so excited about this book!

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*kermit muppet dance* 🎉

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make the non-talker talk.

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Ha! I have one of those.

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I am fascinated by helicopter parents. How did they become that way? Why? This is especially interesting as (in theory) my wife and I are the same age as these people.

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I was far too lazy to helicopter over the kids. 😂

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Let them learn the hard way. They don’t listen anyway. 🙃

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Haha. Same! I don't know how they do it.

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I don't have anything specific to ask right now but I wanted to say that living with you and Bryan for that brief period of time has helped me so much thus far in my very new parenting journey (my kiddos are almost 3 and 2!). I can't thank you both enough for being your real authentic selves. It is a blessing even though we are now miles apart. Love you all!

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Jen, this sounds like such an awesome project! I'm not a parent but gosh, some things are universal, right? Looking forward to reading - I love all the topics you've listed, and even as a non-parent feel I could learn a great deal from your words.

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I’m so glad you commented, Rebecca, because as I work on the book it’s taking on a more wholistic perspective than just parenting. I’m excited to see where it takes me and if it will have a greater audience appeal.

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That's brilliant, Jen!

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My stage right now is modeling the behavior I want to see. How do I become better at keeping my word, keeping up routine, and being a role model? If kids know one thing, it’s hypocrisy and while it’s a bummer to have to sit and read a book to get them to read, it’s something I have to do.

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