Pretend You're Good At Parenting
I asked my friend what kind of parenting stories she'd like to read from me. What she said, and how you can add to the ideas pool.
Hi, it’s me.
Before I get into it today, do you mind answering a couple questions relevant to today’s topic?
A few weeks ago I had lunch with a friend. Tacos were involved, but not margaritas. I can’t remember why no margaritas, since I’ve never been one to pass up a margarita lunch, but this is not even the point — stay on track, Jennifer!
My friend has a third grader, and I’m an empty nester. Well, sort of. We’re playing musical bedrooms with young adult children who are moving out and back in at various points while finishing college. Technically we have a bird in the nest right now, but I feel like an empty nester.
As a fellow parent, creative person, and small business owner, we have many things to catch up on when we get together, and I always learn from and am encouraged by our time together.
When we met over tacos, I told her that I was planning to lean more into parenting topics in my newsletter, since this is what my memoir is focused on and I really need to get back to writing it.
I asked her what kind of stories she thought I had to offer someone like her, a parent of young kids.
Almost immediately she said, I’d love examples of how you handled parenting situations as they happened and how it relates to now, as your kids are older and going out into the world.
This was an incredible response because it’s basically the approach I’m taking with my book! I like giving The People what they want!
In the book — which is a parenting memoir, not a parenting how-to book — I’m following a thread from the family cultures Bryan and I each grew up in to the family culture we created together. I’m organizing it around all of the interesting, difficult, and uncomfortable conversations or scenarios we’ve faced together as a family.
If you’re a parent with kids still at home, I want to hear from you.
Think of me as your friend who will talk about anything, unfiltered. Preferably over wine. Coffee is fine too. You know what? Drink whatever you want, I’ll have tequila. The point is, I’m asking you the same thing I asked my friend (sans margaritas!!):
What is the parenting conversation you want to have?
As I mentioned earlier, the book is organized around all the hard conversations and experiences we’ve had with the kids, the ones that threw us for a loop. For some people these are dreaded topics, or embarrassing, or maybe we feel unqualified to engage them. Some people avoid these conversations altogether.
These are the chapter topics I’m currently working on:
Conflict / Saying I’m Sorry / Reconciliation - This is everything. I’m tempted to make this the topic of my entire book because I have so much to say about it. I’ve written most of this chapter already.
Race - I have this chapter partially drafted, but it’s currently a meandering hot mess. Imagine what my face looked like when our then 5 year old daughter informed us she didn’t want to be friends with Black people any more.
Death - I’ve drafted this chapter. The kids were both very young when they first experienced a death in the family, so it’s a conversation we had to figure out how to have early on.
Social Media / smart phones / driving a car / letting them be out in the world - Ever hear of helicopter parenting vs free range parenting? If anything had me worried if we were “doing it wrong,” it’s fretting about the line between will the kids develop healthy independence and will they end up in a shipping container headed for southeast Asia.
Mental Health / Healthcare - Mental health wasn’t a thing we talked about when I was growing up. And when the HPV vaccine came out the evangelical parents went into a tizzy. And there are conversations our kids can have with their pediatricians without us parents in the room.
Sex, Drugs, Rock-n-Roll - That time our kid’s pot-smoking photos got sucked up into the family’s Google photo sharing account! More news at 10!
Parenting Teenagers in a Pandemic - I’m not sure if this one is relevant to the book’s overall theme or how I would approach it. The impact of isolation still lingers, too, and it might be too soon for me to write about it. Do you have an opinion?
Being a good friend - This is a placeholder, but I don’t have a plan. Most of what I would have to say here involves stories that don’t belong to me, so I’m not sure how to write about it. Thoughts? Suggestions?
Broken relationships / when friendships end - Bryan and I have had several friendships implode that impacted the kids. Our entire church community imploded. The kids have had their own difficult friendships. Ruthie scribbled on Cassandra’s coloring page in kindergarten and that girl caressed her bitterness about it until the day we moved out of the district.
Faith / spirituality in the household - Bryan and I have different childhood experiences with faith and the church. How this impacted our approach to faith and church in our own household.
Does anything on this list resonate with you? Or freak you out as a parent? Is there something missing that I should consider? Do you have any questions or experiences within any of these topics? Would you read this book?!
I invite you to share your candid feedback and ideas in the comments.
Also, it would help me muchly if you forwarded this email to a parent friend and invited them to comment, because I want All The Opinions. Thank youuuu!
Until next time,
Jen
News + Notes
If you’re a paid subscriber, don’t forget to give me your address so I send you a personal note!
Pretend You're Good At Snail Mail
Hi, it’s me. Would you be willing to give me your mailing address? I’d love to send you a personal note to thank you for your support of my newsletter as a paid subscriber. I love sending snail mail and have several penpals I exchange mail with from my extensive collection of vintage postcards, new postcards from traveling, and notecards I can't stop myse…
How do you raise good kids but also stay you? I crave stories of parents (tbh mostly moms) who wrestled with their identities as a parent, and how maintaining your non-mom identity actually benefited the culture of your family
Love all of this. One thing that I am wrestling with today is when to lean in versus when to stand back. When do we allow them to learn from the mistakes, versus when do we give them a nudge (or seven)? When do we protect our own energy and mental health, versus when we continue to try and create moments of connection?