In the Zombie Apocalypse, Which Zug Survives?
This is my last weekly Wednesday post in April. I'm taking a break. Because of the zombies.
Hi, it’s me. How was your weekend? Mine was glorious! It had a little of everything — rest, fun, friends, and chores. Bryan and I binge watched The Night Agent on Netflix. The acting was questionable and it required believing in some incredible coincidences, but government spy action dramas are my favorite genre so it was the perfect escape for the headspace we’ve been in.
The sun popped out briefly on Sunday, and like the proper Seattleite that I am, I dropped everything I was doing and went outside. I took on the short garden project of feeding and refreshing the soil in my strawberry tower and edging the brick patio from the grass that creeps up on it every winter. I love how fresh it looks now.
Today is April 5th, and this will be my last weekly Wednesday post in April.
I’m taking a newsletter break over the next three weeks to focus on caring for Bryan post surgery,1 and not having a [self imposed] deadline will help me be present. I’ll post updates to Shrödinger’s Polyp when there is news to report, so check your subscriber settings to make sure you’re on that list.
Surgery is Tuesday, April 11th.
We accept all forms of praying, thinking, good-vibing, candle-lighting, and smudging in support of a successful procedure and uneventful recovery. The word I keep seeing on medical reports is “unremarkable.” When all the tests come back as unremarkable, it’s good news. I want the most unremarkablist surgery, recovery, and final pathology report ever.
Keep an eye out for Substack chat notifications from me. I may post photos or quick updates there, especially on the day of surgery. I may need some real-time distraction while waiting for news from the surgeon.
Anyway, I’m nervous about taking time off from the newsletter. We have a good thing going here and I don’t want to lose that. But last week I realized I was doing too much, so I’m listening to my body and my mental health. I hope you’ll still be here when I get back.
In the Zombie Apocalypse, Which Zug Survives?
Now that HBO’s The Last of Us has ended its season and those of us who don’t watch Succession find ourselves wandering aimlessly through the Sunday 6pm time slot, I’ll tell you a zombie story.
We have a running commentary in the ZugHaus about who would survive the zombie apocalypse. It started several years ago when we rented a duplex on a hill in Seattle with only four arterial streets to get you in and out of the neighborhood, and traffic was always horrible.
“I do NOT want to be living here when the zombies come for us!” I’d say while inching toward the dumb *seven way* intersection where inevitably a pedestrian crossing screws up the flow of who goes next and then it turns into…
You go.
No, YOU go.
No, YOU go.
“The zombies will eat us alive in our car before we even get off this damn hill.”
Discussion followed regarding the best route off the hill while also avoiding zombies. Young Thomas thought a helicopter rescue would be the best option, but I pointed out that in a zombie apocalypse nobody is coming to save us.
It was a toss-up whether I should bet on Thomas or Ruthie to survive the longest. Thomas has Boy Scout fire building and survival skills, can think outside the box to solve problems, and is a natural collaborator. However, he’s also a dreamer who gets lost in his thoughts or has his nose in a book so he doesn’t pay attention and tends to ask, “Wait, what’s happening right now?” or “Where are we going again?” or “Can you turn down the zombie riot? I’m trying to read!”
Ruthie has a fighting chance. She’s fierce, and tenacious, and a rule-breaker – she’ll get shit done and ask for forgiveness, not permission. When she sets her mind to something, it will happen, even if she has to steal or kill to make it so. I’ll be standing right behind her when she stakes a zombie in the head without any hesitation. However, she’s impulsive when angry or bored, and I spent the entire COVID quarantine trying to keep her from escaping to the corner drug store for hair dye or ice cream during the time when we were all still scared of our groceries and disinfected our mail.
In the movies, Ruthie’s the teenager who runs away to do that thing she HAS TO DO when the movie crisis starts, and the rest of the movie is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson surviving helicopter crashes and falling buildings to bring her safely back to her mom (who The Rock still in love with but is no longer married to), and she apologizes for making them worry, and nobody’s mad because they’re just glad to be alive.
(I wrote that last paragraph after watching San Andreas.)
To explain where I fall in the survival debate, let me share about a dream I once had. I dreamed that something apocalyptic was happening, the city was in chaos, and all communications were down. Thomas was out in the city somewhere, and the rest of us were home – in the house on top of this godforsaken hill with limited routes out of the neighborhood.
As a group, we decided that I would venture out to find Thomas, and Bryan and Ruthie would remain at home in case he returned.
When I shared this dream with the family, everyone laughed. Immediately. Without reservation.
“That is a TERRIBLE idea!” Bryan gasped through heaves of laughter and tears. And everyone agreed.
My ability to decision-tree on the fly while under duress is legendary in our household. I can’t even make take-out decisions on my own if there is any potential for variation, and the biggest fight Bryan and I got into on our 2021 epic road trip was over my inability to determine as we were driving down the freeway if any number of the Starbucks conveniently located off the freeway exits had a drive through.
The clear survivor is Bryan. He can see the future, plan for it, and instantly course-correct in the moment if things change. He is weirdly diplomatic AND assertive, depending on what’s needed. He doesn’t go looking for a fight, but if you bring one to him he will have already anticipated this interaction and will be prepared. Others' ability to survive with him depends on their tolerance for statements like, "I've been doing this for a lot longer than you," or "You can do it that way if you want," in a tone that most certainly means you shouldn't do it that way and you hate that he’s right.
Most likely he will have Ruthie by his side, if she can control her impulses, and their mirror-like personalities don’t first cause them to self-destruct. The two of them will briefly mourn the loss of me and Thomas -- we died way back in episode three -- but they will shove those sad feelings into the pits of their stomachs, never speak of us to each other again, and go on to live long lives and be leaders in the rebuilding of society.
I guess this is my way of saying this thing in your butt is just a zombie, Bryan, which you clearly can slay. So let’s get it out of there and get on with the rest of our action movie. I love you babe.
Until next time,
Jen
News & Notes 🌼
It feels weird to keep sending newsletters about zombies and my weird dreams when kids keep getting shot in their schools. But I don’t know what I can say that adds to the conversation in a productive way, because after years of raging about how this keeps happening, I feel pretty hopeless. This post by Michael Estrin at Situation Normal felt comfy:
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Diane Shiffer on Instagram is my new obsession. She recently posted this video about taking a break that resonated with me:
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This beautiful poem and writing prompt about grief gave me a moment of calm last week. Thank you, Julie:
Just think of the break (other than a focus on family and self-care of course) like old-school network TV. For example: Lost. We would spend entire summers not getting any new episodes, yet we came back in droves every September excited to see what new adventures awaited us! Yes, I compared you to Lost. Though now that I think about it, every TV series would fit this analogy. The point being, we will be there to read what you post, whenever it is, because we are superfans. Now I’m realizing that your zombie apocalypse stories were you leaving us all with a cliffhanger -- but one we know will return with an episode revealing that our heroes have defeated the evil villain in the season premiere! Okay, metaphor officially overcooked!
Oh, lastly: strawberry tower! I need to get me one! Healing thoughts to Bryan and the family.
Meanwhile I’d get killed off in episode one but go out with a bang. I’d bet on the Zug’s survival all day long.