Cancer Treatment Update #4 through #6
more of the same, but lamer
Hey there! If you’re new here, this is a cancer update for my husband, Bryan — not my usual Wednesday newsletter. For the backstory, you can see previous updates HERE. If you’re here for the non-cancer content, I’ll be back on Wednesday with The Usual.
The Side Effects of Treatment
I know it’s been awhile since my last cancer update for Bryan, but there’s only so many ways I can say he’s tired and nauseous before you start to tune out. With each infusion, the fatigue hits him harder to the point where he rarely works a full day without a nap. He’s nauseous pretty much around the clock. Thankfully, meds help relieve that discomfort.
Another unpleasant side effect of treatment is a coating of phlegm in his throat and mouth, which also leads to coughing fits. We mentioned the coughing to his medical team at our last visit because there can be lung-related side effects of the medication, but she confirmed his lungs are clear and that the coughing is related to the phlegm.
At his fifth FOLFOX infusion,1 Bryan’s oncologist dialed back the Oxaliplatin 20% because the neuropathy symptoms were extremely uncomfortable and lasted almost the full two weeks. At its worst, Bryan said his hands felt slimy whenever he touched something, kind of like when your hard water is softened and it makes it feel like the soap never washes off when you’re in the shower. Since it’s possible for the neuropathy symptoms to become permanent, the doctor recommended dialing back the dose.
The Side Effects of Side Effects
Still, we go paddle boarding. We go to outdoor summer concerts. We go camping. My tendency in this situation is to hibernate, but Bryan’s wired differently: “I’m just living my life, Jen! I’m out here living! my! life!”
I think this is the difference between having cancer and being cancer adjacent.
I’ve been reading Janice Walton’s Substack newsletter,
, and a recent article resonated. Janice lost her husband of 60 years in 2020 and found it challenging to move on from the routines they had established together:After 60 years of marriage, Dan and I had firmly entrenched habits. We got up at 6, had breakfast, walked upstairs to our “office” and online jobs, had lunch and a break, went back to work, fixed dinner, took a walk, and watched tv or read ‘til bedtime at 10.
I cooked the meals; he cleaned up afterward. I did the wash; he helped fold the clothes. I had a computer problem; he fixed it. He needed something ironed; I did it. We were a team and set in our ways.2
It’s the same at our house: there are things I do and things Bryan does. We’re a team. He cooks the steak, I make the sides. I do the grocery shopping, he handles home maintenance. He has the big ideas and plans adventures, I make the space in our calendar. He shows me how to back up my computer files weekly, and I forget to do it.
After 22 years of marriage, we have a fairly well-practiced dance that’s been disrupted, and it’s unsettling for us in different ways. He doesn’t like to be a burden and exhausts himself by trying to keep up the partnership as usual, and I try to keep dancing as if I’m not missing both my legs.
But for me, it’s also the shift in the mental energy of planning or making decisions that we either share or he leads that I find most unsettling. I’m used to having a thought partner, and lately the “marshmallow brain” of chemo has fatigued him, and he’s had to reserve his mental energy primarily for working. I’ve had to exercise a little more confidence and initiate in areas where I’ve been happy to be the follower.
We’re continually looking for the healthy balance between living our lives and scaling to meet the reality.
If you’re interested in details about the drugs used in Bryan’s chemotherapy, I wrote about them here:
I know you think you’re writing about cancer, but what I’m reading is all about how to love someone. This stuff about your marriage and how you work together really moves me.
I send my candle lighting positive thoughts your way. For what it's worth, I see that photo of Brian sleeping instead of watching movies, and I think about how strong he is and wise his body is to understand that for now he needs to sleep instead of watch movies, preserving his energy for healing. I "feel" he's got this, he's going to win this battle. In the meantime, consider this time you get to select all of your favorite movies to watch while he heals. 💜