What petty things HAVEN’T we argued about? We’re at 33 years now, and I swear the first 27 were full of fights … and then we stopped, mostly anyway. I think we both recognized it just wasn’t worth it, and we were gonna love each other anyway so why all the ruckus? Thanks, Jen, that was a nice one.
Exactly. I also think, as Kevin mentions below, that it's so much harder in the parenting and working years when there is so much competing for our attention. There is a natural calm that comes after the storm that is the grind of life.
I’ve aggressively made my share of tomorrow’s coffee.
Regarding the comedy tickets: “Tone” is a real thing. It’s also a learned behavior. If I’m honest, had my wife and I had that same exchange, it would’ve played out the same way. And I’d like to think it would’ve had the same happy resolution.
In my experience— and I’m generally curious to hear from others here— marriage got easier (for lack of a better term) once our kids got older. We’re able to spend more time as Kevin & Becky and less as Mom and Dad. Hopefully, that makes sense?
This makes sense, and I agree that it gets easier. It's almost like the Time Before Kids, only now we have more money and wisdom and know each other so much better.
So two days ago, I spent an hour that I didn't have waiting for my daughter to get out show choir rehearsal because their pictures went LONG. I kept complaining to my husband (of 22 years) via text and he finally responded, "You've done this sort of thing before." (For context, I was the theater director for the high school I taught at when our daughter was born. I did that job for five years, in addition to teaching English full time, and my husband did not love losing his twenty-something wife to high school students for five months out of the year.)
I thought he was saying that I had made this kind of mistake of showing up for a kid to pick them up and complaining when I could have just waited for her to text us and tell us she was done. He was ACTUALLY referring to the aforementioned five years of directing a fall play and spring musical 🤦♀️ I came home livid and started slamming things around to make dinner and then he mentioned that I had done fine arts too and I was like...oh 🙈 Not a great moment 😂
And yes! Now that we don't have to worry about babysitters, we take off to watch a movie or go out for a meal or just go shopping together. And because I've always worked, the only part of empty nesting that I'm dreading is just how much I'm going to miss our kids. But we also have dreams and goals for the next phase of our life while we're trying to soak up every moment from this phase of our life.
My older son is taking a “gap year” (sorta), to try and build his business and see what happens. We’re looking forward to that next phase too, but If I’m honest, I’m not sad that he’s here for another several months.
Also: I only recently learned that show choir competitions are an all-day affair. Not sure what I thought they’d be, but I had no idea there was such a commitment involved.
Her choir performs in the mornings, so we've been told, which means we only have to stick around until noon for the next six weeks. (Which is a good thing because I also decided that I wanted to train for the Indy Mini-marathon, which is in May 🤦♀️)
Our son, the sports kid (football, basketball, and track), has thought that his sister was just exaggerating about how hard she's had to work. Then last night we were like, "remember that fifteen-minute number they performed on Saturday? Imagine doing that over and over again for two hours." He has much more respect for his sister now 😂
I was going to ask “how did you know to take a photo of you holding that Cards Against Humanity card? And then I watched the delightful video at the end and had my answer.
I’ve been working on a revision of a piece that loosely is about the connection between rehearsing fights (both with self and others) and Earworms. Reading this has inspired me to finish it.
In an expression of love, my wife is reading “My Age of Anxiety.” She doesn’t suffer from it, I do. She said to me last night: “I feel like I understand you so much better now.”
haha I document the heck out of everything. My friends tease me that I'm preparing for dementia (they're not wrong!!).
Thanks for the book recommendation -- I'll check it out. Bryan and my daughter both struggle with anxiety and I try to understand it, but it's really a mystery to me.
This was really good Jen. Your honesty is wonderful. I wish I could say I was improving in my maturity and ability to think and stop the cycle during arguments. Maybe one in twenty times I am able to reduce the emotion and change up the narrative. We have gotten less volatile in general, and have learned tricks to de-escalate. I've found that travel, which we do a LOT of, brings additional stress, as does staying in one place too long. There is a small sweet spot a few times a year where we seem to just flow nicely. I guess that is something! Thanks for sharing a great essay!
Oh goodness, travel is stressful! Bryan and I joke often about how we could never do The Amazing Race together because it would bring out ALLLLL the buttons we push on each other! 🤣
Yay. You admitted happily married couples fight. It happens. Whats great is if I write down the dialogue of a fight and read it, it’s hilarious. Reread yours. You’ll laugh.
haha I can see doing that! I once got into a yelling match with my daughter, which I paused abruptly to yell, "I'M ONLY YELLING BECAUSE I'M IN A BAD MOOD AND YOU WALKED INTO THE ROOM." And then we both started laughing.
This is so incredibly relatable. Twenty-two years of marriage for us and there are so many things that get easier as our kids get older. And we fight, not hard and not loud, but we work through it. I don't believe that marriage is hard, but I do believe that it takes work to make any kind of relationship last. We are not the same people that we were when we were 22-year-old kids. Our dreams have changed, our goals have changed, and we've adjusted with those changes. We've grown toward each other, and that is why we are still married after a lot of challenges.
This is the most beautiful, honest, sweet thing I’ve read. ❤️😽You are an amazing writer and person, Jen.
Awwww, thanks Sharon.
What petty things HAVEN’T we argued about? We’re at 33 years now, and I swear the first 27 were full of fights … and then we stopped, mostly anyway. I think we both recognized it just wasn’t worth it, and we were gonna love each other anyway so why all the ruckus? Thanks, Jen, that was a nice one.
Exactly. I also think, as Kevin mentions below, that it's so much harder in the parenting and working years when there is so much competing for our attention. There is a natural calm that comes after the storm that is the grind of life.
“You know you do this, too… “
I’ve aggressively made my share of tomorrow’s coffee.
Regarding the comedy tickets: “Tone” is a real thing. It’s also a learned behavior. If I’m honest, had my wife and I had that same exchange, it would’ve played out the same way. And I’d like to think it would’ve had the same happy resolution.
In my experience— and I’m generally curious to hear from others here— marriage got easier (for lack of a better term) once our kids got older. We’re able to spend more time as Kevin & Becky and less as Mom and Dad. Hopefully, that makes sense?
This makes sense, and I agree that it gets easier. It's almost like the Time Before Kids, only now we have more money and wisdom and know each other so much better.
True! I'd love to say it didn't matter, but more money certainly helps.
So two days ago, I spent an hour that I didn't have waiting for my daughter to get out show choir rehearsal because their pictures went LONG. I kept complaining to my husband (of 22 years) via text and he finally responded, "You've done this sort of thing before." (For context, I was the theater director for the high school I taught at when our daughter was born. I did that job for five years, in addition to teaching English full time, and my husband did not love losing his twenty-something wife to high school students for five months out of the year.)
I thought he was saying that I had made this kind of mistake of showing up for a kid to pick them up and complaining when I could have just waited for her to text us and tell us she was done. He was ACTUALLY referring to the aforementioned five years of directing a fall play and spring musical 🤦♀️ I came home livid and started slamming things around to make dinner and then he mentioned that I had done fine arts too and I was like...oh 🙈 Not a great moment 😂
And yes! Now that we don't have to worry about babysitters, we take off to watch a movie or go out for a meal or just go shopping together. And because I've always worked, the only part of empty nesting that I'm dreading is just how much I'm going to miss our kids. But we also have dreams and goals for the next phase of our life while we're trying to soak up every moment from this phase of our life.
My older son is taking a “gap year” (sorta), to try and build his business and see what happens. We’re looking forward to that next phase too, but If I’m honest, I’m not sad that he’s here for another several months.
Also: I only recently learned that show choir competitions are an all-day affair. Not sure what I thought they’d be, but I had no idea there was such a commitment involved.
Her choir performs in the mornings, so we've been told, which means we only have to stick around until noon for the next six weeks. (Which is a good thing because I also decided that I wanted to train for the Indy Mini-marathon, which is in May 🤦♀️)
Our son, the sports kid (football, basketball, and track), has thought that his sister was just exaggerating about how hard she's had to work. Then last night we were like, "remember that fifteen-minute number they performed on Saturday? Imagine doing that over and over again for two hours." He has much more respect for his sister now 😂
"I was stopping the spiral, breaking the pattern."
An act of creation, as radically new as the world's first morning.
Lovely piece; thank you for such deep sharing.
Thanks, Daniel.
I was going to ask “how did you know to take a photo of you holding that Cards Against Humanity card? And then I watched the delightful video at the end and had my answer.
I’ve been working on a revision of a piece that loosely is about the connection between rehearsing fights (both with self and others) and Earworms. Reading this has inspired me to finish it.
In an expression of love, my wife is reading “My Age of Anxiety.” She doesn’t suffer from it, I do. She said to me last night: “I feel like I understand you so much better now.”
haha I document the heck out of everything. My friends tease me that I'm preparing for dementia (they're not wrong!!).
Thanks for the book recommendation -- I'll check it out. Bryan and my daughter both struggle with anxiety and I try to understand it, but it's really a mystery to me.
This was really good Jen. Your honesty is wonderful. I wish I could say I was improving in my maturity and ability to think and stop the cycle during arguments. Maybe one in twenty times I am able to reduce the emotion and change up the narrative. We have gotten less volatile in general, and have learned tricks to de-escalate. I've found that travel, which we do a LOT of, brings additional stress, as does staying in one place too long. There is a small sweet spot a few times a year where we seem to just flow nicely. I guess that is something! Thanks for sharing a great essay!
Oh goodness, travel is stressful! Bryan and I joke often about how we could never do The Amazing Race together because it would bring out ALLLLL the buttons we push on each other! 🤣
Yay. You admitted happily married couples fight. It happens. Whats great is if I write down the dialogue of a fight and read it, it’s hilarious. Reread yours. You’ll laugh.
haha I can see doing that! I once got into a yelling match with my daughter, which I paused abruptly to yell, "I'M ONLY YELLING BECAUSE I'M IN A BAD MOOD AND YOU WALKED INTO THE ROOM." And then we both started laughing.
Haha.
Good, honest stuff. Thanks for sharing!
"If you die first, that's not how the story will be told." Lol, goes without saying, right?
I love the video, and this post is perfect and oh so vulnerable. I'm writing about vulnerability for my post tomorrow. I'll have to tag you! 💜
This is so incredibly relatable. Twenty-two years of marriage for us and there are so many things that get easier as our kids get older. And we fight, not hard and not loud, but we work through it. I don't believe that marriage is hard, but I do believe that it takes work to make any kind of relationship last. We are not the same people that we were when we were 22-year-old kids. Our dreams have changed, our goals have changed, and we've adjusted with those changes. We've grown toward each other, and that is why we are still married after a lot of challenges.
Jen, heads up, I sent you an email. Just wanted to be sure you get it.
❤️ Oh Jen, what a terrific post. Thank you.
Thanks, Rebecca!
Jen, what a fun share. I love to hear about people’s evolutions, how they’re learning and growing through loving each other. Thank you for this post.
Thank you, Holly!
After 52+ years, we still don't fight well and have pretty much given it up. It sounds as if you have it down.
Internal rants are so necessary!
My next post will be about the anatomy of a fight between my wife and me.