Three Things On My Mind

Baby birds, anxiety, and Maggie Rogers. Plus: Ask me anything!

Hi, it’s me.

It’s good to be with you today, though I’m feeling tired and a little burned out. Do you ever have one of those seasons where everything comes at you all at the same time? It’s me. I am there. Everything’s fine¹, I’m mostly busy at work with a side of weird anxiety issues (more on that below) and the standard heaviness of *gestures at the world.*

I haven’t been writing much lately in the traditional way of putting words on paper (or in a Google doc). This is fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. I’m taking a break, and it’s fine. I continue to sit at my desk during my scheduled writing times and do writing-adjacent things. It’s good for me to keep the pattern of showing up, even if all I do is write manic statements on sticky notes and journal about my childhood ice cream scoop. I know I’ll finish my book eventually…right?

Can we give a round of applause for Katharine who shared her story in a guest post last week? Please do go back and read that one if you missed it.

Okay, so I’m phoning it in a little bit and forgoing my usual carefully edited thoughts for these random tidbits, because this is the energy I have for you today, my friends. This is my headspace. And you know what? I’m not even going to proofread this or send myself a test email. I’m going to raw dog this email to your inbox and… you know what? That was too far. I’m sorry I introduced raw dog into this conversation.

Here’s what’s on my mind:

One: Baby birds hatched in my boot.

Nuthatches are growing in my birdhouse boot. I can’t see them yet, but they sound adorable. I can hear at least three peeping in there, maybe four. Mama Nuthatch is very diligent in bringing them worms and bugs to eat, and when I’m tending to the dahlias below, she squawks to let me know she needs some space. So I quietly back up to sit on a chair near the fire pit while she delivers the wormy treat, and when she flies off to find another, I resume my dahlia maintenance. I’m eagerly waiting for the birdies to start venturing out of the boot.

I will keep you posted.

Two: I’m experiencing ongoing anxiety for the first time ever.

I think I had my first ever panic attack a couple weeks ago. Is there a club I can join? Preferably one with cool jackets or stickers.

I’ve honestly never had an anxiety problem. I’m the opposite, actually, holding an extreme go-with-the-flow mentality that sometimes causes people to tell me I need to be more concerned about something. I don’t worry or lay awake at night thinking. I’m seriously a very chill person, which is probably why it took me several hours to identify my symptoms as a probable panic attack.

Since that first attack/experience, I’ve continued to struggle with anxiety, but with less severe symptoms. They are mostly physical, like a tight chest and increase heart rate. I don’t like it. Anxiety is really harshing my chill vibe, especially since I can’t even pin it to a reason or a cause.

Anxiety and panic attacks can be related to dropping estrogen levels associated with perimenopause. Since I don’t have a history of anxiety or panic attacks, this explanation is my current theory.

Three: Maggie Rogers on Fresh Air.

Over the weekend, I put on a podcast and cleaned my office. I haven’t done a great job with Basic Life Maintenance this year, which has resulted in a desk full of mail piles and paperwork piles and empty coffee cups and random sticky notes and dog-eared gardening catalogs and stacks of receipts and really this list could go on for awhile.

The podcast I listened to was an interview with Maggie Rogers on Fresh Air. I love listening to artists in different genres talk about their creative process. I’m trying really hard to not go into pontification mode because I’m trying to take a break from Thinking Too Much, so I will attempt to share excerpts without elaborating too much on why they were meaningful to me.

On being vulnerable in her writing (👋 I relate!):

“I have no problem revealing. I’ve been doing that for a long time. I’m also sort of professionally vulnerable² and just naturally very comfortable with that.”

This one got me. I capture so many details in little notes or photos because I want to remember everything. My friend once said it’s like I’m preparing for my future dementia era. She’s not wrong! Here’s what resonate with me:

“I think of song writing as a work of archiving. There is so much beauty and detail and memory, and I do worry about forgetting it all. Putting it into my art feels like a way to keep holding it.” ❤️

On the pressure she feels as an artist to be some kind of guru or spiritual leader, a common outcome of putting yourself out there:

“I don’t feel like I know any more than anybody else. And that’s why song writing is so powerful to me. If you can make yourself as vulnerable as humanly possible, you hit universal truth. And the simplest songs are always the most profound.”

We all know this, but it bears repeating because we also always forget it:

“Momentum is kind of a tool in my creative process. I find the best work happens when I stop thinking and just make for fun.”

Bonus: Ask Me Anything

I want to share more about my perimenopause experience in a future newsletter.

Lately I've been experiencing some bonkers perimenopause symptoms that likely include anxiety, panic attacks, joint pain, irregular periods, low libido, and debilitating ADHD of the Inattentive variety. I have not felt like myself for the last year and a half, but especially over the last month, and I’m looking into options³. 

I want to write about this experience, but I'm not sure where to start or how to enter the story or even whether people would care about it. Sometimes a good prompt gets me unstuck, which is where you come in.

Do you have a question or topic you’d be interested in hearing about from me?

Don’t be shy, I’ll talk about anything. Men are included in this conversation, too, because you know and love someone in perimenopause and I’d love to normalize discussion of the topic.

You can submit your question privately using this Google form:

Thanks for being here. I enjoy these chats and look forward to your comments. How are you, by the way? I didn’t mean to make this all about me. I’d genuinely love to hear from you.

Until next time,

Jen

1. Standard disclaimer given Bryan had cancer last year.

2. Well said. I’m claiming “professionally vulnerable” as my own experience.

3. Please don’t give me advice right now — I’m already doing my research. When I write about something specific, I’ll invite you to share then what you’ve learned or experienced.