Talking to Kids About Hard Truths
when a movie about Martin Luther King Jr. sparked a conversation with our young kids about racial tension in current times
Hi, it’s me. This weekend I scored a new coffee table for free on my neighborhood’s Facebook group. It has a lower shelf that hides clutter, which is a big bonus since I tend to be a Clutter Person with Piles Galore that never seem to find a home. I don’t need a 23andMe test to tell me this behavior comes through my mom’s lineage — I helped clean out her basement and uncovered stacks of *used* wrapping paper she’d saved over the years while imploring us all to GENTLY remove the tape as we unwrapped presents.
Exhibit A of inherited behavior from my own closet:
This pile of ribbon from my wedding (12 years prior at that point) represents me debating with my inner Marge re whether I should roll it up and store it forever in a random closet for my kids to discard when I'm 75, or just throw it away now.
Anyway, the free coffee table was too big for our space, but there was no turning back from a functional piece of clutter-hiding furniture. I ended up buying one from our local consignment shop and GET THIS: *whispers* it has drawers. 🙊
I love adulting.
So….. I know I said I would tell you about my new job this week, but I realized this coming Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day – so I pivoted.
I’ll tell you about how fun it is to be unemployed (NOT!) in two weeks, because next week I’m telling you about the time I met and had a whole ass conversation with a celebrity at an airport baggage claim.
On MLK Day in January 2015, Bryan and I took the kids to see the movie Selma, which was playing at the Uptown Theater on Lower Queen Anne. It’s an old, independent theater that lacks the comfortable reclining seats most theaters have today, but it’s been taken over by the nonprofit Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF) and plays independent films alongside mainstream releases. At the time, we had a membership that included free popcorn 🍿.
This is something we do often as a family – we go to movies together and have conversations about what made the story compelling or implausible or forgettable. Sometimes these conversations last as long as it takes to walk to the car, or drive home, or occasionally, we grab a meal after the movie and keep the conversation going.
Last year after we saw Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness in the theater, we all agreed on the car ride home that we were done with Marvel movies because the franchise had spiraled into its own multiverse of madness. I actually fell asleep in the middle of it (hello, reclining theater seats), and during the awake times I wondered why a movie called Doctor Strange had so much Wanda Maximoff in it.
That’s when I realized I didn’t care.
Anyway, if you’re interested, you can listen to a formalized family movie conversation our son Thomas recorded for his podcast about Dune. He and I read the book together for his chapter-by-chapter breakdown podcast, then we reviewed the 2021 movie together as a family. You can listen to it HERE or wherever you get your podcasts.
When we went to see Selma, it was Thomas who asked the hard question: Do things like that still happen today?
It was the question I hoped one of them would ask, and yet I dreaded the asking. The kids were on the verge of turning ten and twelve years old. We had already lost Tamir Rice and Michael Brown. We had already adopted Eric Garner’s I can’t breathe as a rallying cry for justice. Tamir was only twelve years old when he died, the same age as our daughter.
Every parent wants their kid to hold onto innocence for as long as possible, like a belief in Santa Claus or the Land of Oz. I can’t say for sure when is the right time to show your kids what hides behind the curtain, but I know most Black parents have this conversation with kids much younger than Thomas. For them, having “the talk” can be a matter of life and death.
So here we are in the kitchen of our rental duplex at the time, surrounded by laundry and garbage and questions. I captured this photo in the middle of Thomas’ What do you mean the cop didn’t get in trouble? face when he learned about Eric Garner’s death. In this face, I can see him questioning everything he thought he knew about justice and fairness. This might be the moment his innocence began unraveling.
(The gentleness in Bryan’s presence makes me swoon.)
This is a story that will eventually make its way into my book, which is a yet-to-be-named parenting memoir about navigating hard conversations with our kids. Many parents don’t feel equipped to talk about this kind of stuff. We’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, of reality being too scary, of not knowing the answer. Sometimes we’re embarrassed. Most of us didn’t grow up talking about stuff like sex, death, or racism with our own parents, so we don’t have a template to work from. And we’re afraid to talk about these things with each other because parents can be so judgy.
I’m not an expert at parenting or decision-making or staying on top of things. In fact, I’m pretty good at covering my eyes at the scary parts and hoping for the best. Despite my lack of expertise or even proof of a positive outcome, I decided to write this book because parenting is hard, the stakes are high, and I think we should normalize talking about the messy things.
Until next time,
Jen
News + Notes 🌼
The book Raising White Kids, by Jennifer Harvey is a great resource for parents, aunties, uncles, teachers or anyone who wants to learn how to talk about race with white kids and help them learn how to recognize and respond to racism when they encounter it.
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In November I wrote about binge watching Andor, saying that I loved the show but almost didn’t watch it because Star Wars shows were getting increasingly worse. I’m not the only one who was skeptic of this gem because of a tanking franchise reputation — despite it being the best show in the Disney+ Star Wars Universe, it’s the least watched, likely due to Star Wars fatigue and loss of trust in the franchise.
This episode of the Geek’s Guide to the Galaxy podcast articulated well what I love about Andor: It’s Star Wars for adults! There’s no cutesy gimmick or child-friendly, merchandisable characters. It’s a story about politics, war, and rebellion with nuance, decisions of moral ambiguity, and real consequences. There was also conversation about the rebellion coming from the peasant class vs the Jedi of the original Star Wars trilogy:
“The question I think the show asks is, How do you get out of a totalitarian dictatorship? The answer that Star Wars gives you is, Magic. Magic is how you get out of a totalitarian dictatorship. This show (Andor) says no, it’s us. We’re the only way that we can get out of a dictatorship. It’s a very different message.”
If you haven’t watched Andor yet, I beg you to give it a try. If for no other reason than to signal to Disney that we want more Star Wars for grown-ups.
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I’m enjoying the articles and interviews at Oldster. It’s nice to read about other women’s aging experience, like this post by Alice Kaltman:
Sleep disorder. I used to be a great sleeper. Now it’s the least predictable part of my 24-hour cycle. Thank the goddesses for audiobooks and podcasts, those middle of the night enriching distractions that keep the morose, middle of the night doom and gloom thoughts at bay.
I used to be a great sleeper, too, and now I spend 1-2 hours awake every night. I guess I should take a cue from Alice and find things to distract me in the night instead of lying awake worrying about how I’m not sleeping.
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Asha Dornfest says action leads to clarity. This resonated with me because I’m a spinner of wheels. I spin out. I spin spin spin and get nowhere but deeper into the rut. Having driven with low visibility through snow storms and a literal fire storm, I appreciated this visual:
When you can’t see through the fog, instead of worrying about the fog, focus on the road. Take a small step. Then pause, look around, and take the next small step. Keep going!
But what if it isn’t the right step? What if I go the wrong direction? How will I know?
You probably won’t know, but that’s okay. It’s just one step. You can always course correct. Trust yourself.
I love the way you weave seemingly disparate stories and links to other Substack newsletters but they all fit together thematically and reinforce each other. I suppose it’s all part of the puzzle we try to put together piece by piece called "adulting.” Your child is very patient to not be annoyed whilw a camera is clicking photos during a serious conversation! Maybe kids now are so used to it they hardly notice....;)
My kids are older than yours and as young adults, they are helping their parents have difficult conversations in new ways. I'm grateful for their insight, and yours. Do you know the work of https://www.rebekahgienapp.com/ ? You might want to check out her anti-racism and parenting resources as your book work continues.