Summer Stories: Theresa Fette & Her Five Strategies for Managing Fear
"I didn’t know if I could replicate my success with another company." Part 3 in a series.
Hi, it’s me, and I’m a little crazy today as I write this (it’s Sunday). We’re having our original-to-the-1920s-house windows replaced tomorrow, so we’ve pulled all our furniture away from the walls to make room for the work to be done. The cats are all freaking out, and the dog is upset he can’t get to the couch.
(In a weird internet time loop, by the time you read this on Wednesday our house will be put back together and we’ll be enjoying our new windows that open because they are NOT painted shut.)
BUT! I harvested one batch of garlic this weekend, and it’s glorious. This is my third season growing garlic, and I love it so much. This is a “hard neck” variety, which tends to have bigger bulbs and bigger cloves than the “soft neck” variety found in the grocery store. I’ll dry these, then cut the roots and tops off and store in cute baskets in my pantry. All year long I roast garlic, make garlic confit, and put garlic in All The Things.
Today’s newsletter is the third in a series of five stories intended to distract you while I work behind the scenes to update All The Things leading up to my newsletter relaunch on August 2nd.
If you missed it, you can read the first story about Ned Stark HERE, and the second story about Tony Hale HERE.
Theresa Fette & Her 5 Strategies for Managing Fear
Back in 2014 when I was still working from home and running my own business WWYP (while wearing yoga pants),1 I heard Theresa Fette speak at a women's leadership conference here in Seattle. At the time, my business was small, my team was small, and my influence was small, but I had a big heart and a desire to create safe spaces for people to be real.
I've come back to this talk many times since first hearing it. To find out why, take 21 minutes to watch her video, then continue with my thoughts below.
Here’s a summary of Theresa’s talking points:
She said: People said I had The Midas Touch, but in reality I had a lot of fear. I didn’t know if I could replicate my success with another company - maybe I was just lucky the first time, maybe I was a one-hit wonder.
She said: I know I’m good at building a business and running teams. I know I’m not good at working for other people - I thrive when I’m the ultimate boss.
Theresa’s five strategies for managing fear:
Be mindful of your own thoughts; own your experiences. “I wouldn’t let my mom control the way I thought about myself.” You have a choice in how you respond to what happens to you. Fear takes root when we give up control to a victim mindset.
Consider and embrace the worst-case scenario. “I can imagine the worst-case scenario in everything I do, and if I can live with it, then…*shrug*” We fear the unknown, and we can overcome this by imagining all the possible outcomes and deciding if the risk is worth the effort.
Embrace an attitude of gratitude. “I had to get comfortable that the person staring at me in the mirror was enough.” This, rather than acting like a squirrel looking for the next nut. Instead of continually pursuing more, she focuses on contentment.
Stay true to your intrinsic motivations. “It’s a lot easier to be fearless if you’re not worried about what everybody else thinks about you.” As women, we tend to let other people define who we are. Young people often allow their parents to define what they do. Confidence comes in doing what we feel called to do.
Learn. Always. Be a student of the process — failure occurs when we think we have it all figured out all the time. She tells a story about firing a guy, then hiring him back.
Here’s what I love about Theresa Fette’s story.
At the time I heard her speak, I'd never had a manager like this — someone who invested in me because he or she understood my potential and the value I provided to the organization.
I strive to be this kind of leader.
Every time I encounter a bad manager, I think to myself, "What would Theresa Fette do?"
Over the last few years I've been particularly frustrated in seeing high quality employees leave organizations I worked for — people who weren't valued for the talent and expertise they brought to the organization; people who were taken advantage of for being young, inexperienced, and in many cases, for having a vagina; people who were disposable, who weren't seen as worthy of investing in, and who were irritating to senior leadership for disagreeing.
In my mind's eye, I can recall coworkers who've left and play the “What Would Theresa Do? game (WWTD).
"Theresa would have kept her and fired the guy bullying her."
"Theresa would have restructured her role to make it more effective for her and the organization."
"Theresa would have granted her the flexible schedule she asked for because she was skilled and efficient and worth keeping."
"Theresa would have seen the potential in her and supplemented her skills with some extra training because she worked hard and learned fast."
"Theresa would have kept that guy, but moved him into a role better suited for his skill set."
As I prepped today’s newsletter, I looked up Theresa to see what she’s up to today and found a few podcast and video interviews. Looks like she sold her business in 2018 and has moved on to other things — still operating within her superpowers.
Here’s the kicker: she still wonders if she has what it takes to be successful.
Is it weird that I find comfort in knowing that even highly successful people struggle with Imposter Syndrome like I do?
Anyway, back to her five strategies for managing fear.
For me, the first one struck me the most was don't let someone else's narrative define who you are. I've been in situations — both professionally and personally — where someone else's narrative about me didn’t line up with who I am. It was hard to hear some of the things that were said about me. I feared what others believed about me, and I started to doubt my abilities.
When this happens, I come back to what Brene Brown says about other people's opinions: She carries a list in her wallet of people whose opinion matters to her, and when she starts to feel the weight of criticism and shame from others, she pulls out her list — literally a small piece of paper — to remember who her Truth-tellers are.2
I have my own list, and my truth-tellers know me. They know my integrity, and they know my ability. When I start to feel schmoopey about the liars and deceivers and those who might believe their lies and deceits, I simply come back to the people who keep me real and love me and know my truth.
These are the people who remind me of who I am and will tell me when I’m full of shit.
Next week I’ll be back with a story about second chances from one of my favorite TV shows, The West Wing.
Until then,
Jen
Let’s Chat…
What about you?
Which one of these five strategies hit you the most in the feels?
Do you disagree with any of these?
What would you add to the list?
I'd love to hear your stories.
Here’s a story from that time in my life:
Someone Once Called Me a Thought Leader and I Didn’t Hear Anything Else He Said After That
Hi, it’s me. I’m tickled that so many of you enjoyed my “microwaved” post last week — I had no idea the metaphor would take off like it did. I was mostly trying to avoid using a sports metaphor like “punting” or “tee-ing up,” or worse… a mixed metaphor of “half baked” and “punting.” More microwaved posts are on the way!
Brené Brown said this at a live talk Bryan and I attended ages ago, and I still think about it. You can watch the video here (you’ll notice Bryan and I in the bottom left corner as it opens):
I have had far too many terrible managers over the years, but the ones that were good, made us want to run through walls for them.
Bad: not recognizing/respecting task autonomy. A lot of managers feel like they need to be lording over workers. Most just want to be left alone in peace to do their job. For my job specifically, it's sort of like being a firefighter; if I look like I'm not doing anything that's a tell that the operation is running smoothly. it's because the heavy lifting is already done. A lot of managers could never wrap their head around that, even when they knew better.
Good: Do what you say, and say what you mean. Before a Polar Vortex a few years ago (and OMG, why do I live somewhere that these are a thing?!), a manager came around and asked us what he thought we would need. He also convinced the airport to let us park in the garage for the duration of the cold snap (it's right across from the terminal).
Then he showed up in the middle of it, and made sure everything he said he'd deliver actually happened. Seems like a small deal, right? I cannot tell you how many times those promises have just been empty talk. Leadership 101: Words matter. Actions matter.
P.S. That garlic looks gooood!
I constantly, and probably to my own detriment, repeat the phrase: "Can they eat you?" [as a worst case scenario]. Rather than ask if I can live with it, I ask: is it as bad as being eaten? And if the answer is no, I do the thing.