This Alise (spelled differently, but still the same) feels so much of this story. It’s hard to know that you probably wouldn’t make any different choices regarding a former partner *at that time* while recognizing that it wasn’t the one for the long haul. It also makes me think that we put so much pressure on FOREVER when for many, that’s just not how it works out. I’m so not the woman I was when I was 22 and getting married.
Thank you for sharing your story, Elise, and thanks Jen for hosting it!
Beautiful beautiful story! Thanks for helping surface Elise's story and her Substack. Also, Elise, you're like a Starbucks ad. I'm really jonzing for some right now! Keep on rockin' writing and photography- Beth
From Jen's introduction -- "I think about this frequently, the decisions we make and the actions we take when the options are limited and we do the best we can to change the course of our future, wracked with doubt and self-gaslighting."
-- and Elise's story -- "The person I was could have done nothing different."
Such powerful witness; thank you for sharing. I'll be thinking of these insights for a long while. We only ever have each moment before it turns into the past and we find ourselves already in the future.
Great post! "I sought to make my fantasy of a family reality. I married the first man who made me feel like my voice mattered". I guess we are led by our fantasies and the million prompts and nudges that the world gives us into making these huge decisions. There actually always seem to be more reasons not to be/get married than to tie the knot. But we don't seem to listen enough to those reasons not to, because, perhaps, of what you term our "fantasy of a family".
I appreciate you sharing your story, Elise. So honest and vulnerable.
I find reading about (and hearing about in actual, face-to-face discussions) people's relationship histories incredibly illuminating. I know so many people who got married young and ended up divorced by 40. I didn't meet my wife until I turned 37, and I am quite certain we would not have wanted to be with each other earlier in our lives. We'd each had lots of relationships and careers and travels -- and were fairly well ready to commit to each other. I'm sure not having kids played a significant role, but navigating one's 20s and 30s with a life partner is tricky. It's such a figuring oneself out time of life (especially the 20s).
Coming from a family with no divorce, where my grandparents were married for 50-plus years, as well as my parents, I had role models to show me the importance of working through the challenges. Of communicating and always expressing affection. I know there are many unhappy long-term married couples, but that wasn't what I witnessed growing up. I know I was lucky.
My wife did not have such luck and witnessed the unhappy marriage of her parents which led to divorce when she went to college. Whenever our marriage has been rocky, my wife is often shocked at how committed I am to working it out. "I can't believe you don't want to divorce me," she's said on more than one occasion. It makes me sad when she says this, and I try to let her know I'm in it for the long haul, but I have to wonder if growing up without positive relationship role models makes a person distrustful of people who aren't trying to escape, to try and find something less challenging.
I’m readying “Attached” by Amir Levine and learning so much about this distrust you mention- I think shame is at the root of it. Shame from early experiences that color our idea of what we deserve from others, make us embarrassed to be seen and known deeply, make partners who are avoidant seem safer that ones who are ready to love.
I'll have to check that book out! Your piece sparked a lot of thoughts and ideas. The whole idea of "the one for life" being one of them! I agree that just because marriage ends in divorce doesn't mean it or any person had "failed." I learned so much from my relationships prior to my marriage.
When I was younger, I would not have been okay with a partner who wasn't interested in the same activities that I participated in. I wanted to be with someone who also loved seeing live music every week and wanted to travel everywhere. I think it was Esther Perel who said that to expect a partner to fill all the roles of a village is unrealistic and unsustainable.
My wife leans toward depression, and I lean toward anxiety. She craves alone time more than I do, and I crave community more than she does. I have an amazing village of friends who I can share my more adventurous sides with, and my wife is thrilled that I have these people, knowing that she is always invited to join when she wants.
And, as our needs and desires change, we regularly check in to ensure we are still good with our dynamics.
Thank you for your kind comment, Steve. It got me thinking a couple of things, first, I think marrying my ex husband was the right choice for me. I no longer think a lifetime marriage is necessarily the goal for each couple, though I was absolutely committed to my marriage and stuck around years and years longer than I could have, fighting hard for it.
Now I know that growing and healing are what we are here for, not avoiding mistakes. For my ex and I, that meant we needed to be married; we lived and grew and also failed our marriage but succeeded in healing. We are both, I believe, better off having been married to each other, and divorced from each other, and not just because we have four kids to show for it.
Healing takes many forms, and this is what it looked like for us. Lifetime commitment is still ideal in my mind, but it is not ultimate. I would like to honor it, but not center life around it. The story is not about marriage. The story is about self-acceptance and trusting my instincts.
I forget the second thing I wanted to say was- haha! Oh right, your question about mistrust of relationships after a divorce as a kid- I think I have a mistrust of men that stems from several things, including my parents’ divorce, but as a child of divorce, I knew the pain I felt from their actions and was totally focused on building a family that would shield my kids from that pain. It felt like the greatest failure of my life- my whole reason for living lost- when I divorced my kids’ father.
This Alise (spelled differently, but still the same) feels so much of this story. It’s hard to know that you probably wouldn’t make any different choices regarding a former partner *at that time* while recognizing that it wasn’t the one for the long haul. It also makes me think that we put so much pressure on FOREVER when for many, that’s just not how it works out. I’m so not the woman I was when I was 22 and getting married.
Thank you for sharing your story, Elise, and thanks Jen for hosting it!
Deeply grateful for your words, Alise. I am struck by how healing they feel, just reading them this morning- other people have felt this way, too!
Thank you Elise, and Jen. These are timely words and wisdom I am sharing with two people I love.
Beautiful beautiful story! Thanks for helping surface Elise's story and her Substack. Also, Elise, you're like a Starbucks ad. I'm really jonzing for some right now! Keep on rockin' writing and photography- Beth
From Jen's introduction -- "I think about this frequently, the decisions we make and the actions we take when the options are limited and we do the best we can to change the course of our future, wracked with doubt and self-gaslighting."
-- and Elise's story -- "The person I was could have done nothing different."
Such powerful witness; thank you for sharing. I'll be thinking of these insights for a long while. We only ever have each moment before it turns into the past and we find ourselves already in the future.
Great post! "I sought to make my fantasy of a family reality. I married the first man who made me feel like my voice mattered". I guess we are led by our fantasies and the million prompts and nudges that the world gives us into making these huge decisions. There actually always seem to be more reasons not to be/get married than to tie the knot. But we don't seem to listen enough to those reasons not to, because, perhaps, of what you term our "fantasy of a family".
I appreciate you sharing your story, Elise. So honest and vulnerable.
I find reading about (and hearing about in actual, face-to-face discussions) people's relationship histories incredibly illuminating. I know so many people who got married young and ended up divorced by 40. I didn't meet my wife until I turned 37, and I am quite certain we would not have wanted to be with each other earlier in our lives. We'd each had lots of relationships and careers and travels -- and were fairly well ready to commit to each other. I'm sure not having kids played a significant role, but navigating one's 20s and 30s with a life partner is tricky. It's such a figuring oneself out time of life (especially the 20s).
Coming from a family with no divorce, where my grandparents were married for 50-plus years, as well as my parents, I had role models to show me the importance of working through the challenges. Of communicating and always expressing affection. I know there are many unhappy long-term married couples, but that wasn't what I witnessed growing up. I know I was lucky.
My wife did not have such luck and witnessed the unhappy marriage of her parents which led to divorce when she went to college. Whenever our marriage has been rocky, my wife is often shocked at how committed I am to working it out. "I can't believe you don't want to divorce me," she's said on more than one occasion. It makes me sad when she says this, and I try to let her know I'm in it for the long haul, but I have to wonder if growing up without positive relationship role models makes a person distrustful of people who aren't trying to escape, to try and find something less challenging.
I’m readying “Attached” by Amir Levine and learning so much about this distrust you mention- I think shame is at the root of it. Shame from early experiences that color our idea of what we deserve from others, make us embarrassed to be seen and known deeply, make partners who are avoidant seem safer that ones who are ready to love.
I'll have to check that book out! Your piece sparked a lot of thoughts and ideas. The whole idea of "the one for life" being one of them! I agree that just because marriage ends in divorce doesn't mean it or any person had "failed." I learned so much from my relationships prior to my marriage.
When I was younger, I would not have been okay with a partner who wasn't interested in the same activities that I participated in. I wanted to be with someone who also loved seeing live music every week and wanted to travel everywhere. I think it was Esther Perel who said that to expect a partner to fill all the roles of a village is unrealistic and unsustainable.
My wife leans toward depression, and I lean toward anxiety. She craves alone time more than I do, and I crave community more than she does. I have an amazing village of friends who I can share my more adventurous sides with, and my wife is thrilled that I have these people, knowing that she is always invited to join when she wants.
And, as our needs and desires change, we regularly check in to ensure we are still good with our dynamics.
Thank you for your kind comment, Steve. It got me thinking a couple of things, first, I think marrying my ex husband was the right choice for me. I no longer think a lifetime marriage is necessarily the goal for each couple, though I was absolutely committed to my marriage and stuck around years and years longer than I could have, fighting hard for it.
Now I know that growing and healing are what we are here for, not avoiding mistakes. For my ex and I, that meant we needed to be married; we lived and grew and also failed our marriage but succeeded in healing. We are both, I believe, better off having been married to each other, and divorced from each other, and not just because we have four kids to show for it.
Healing takes many forms, and this is what it looked like for us. Lifetime commitment is still ideal in my mind, but it is not ultimate. I would like to honor it, but not center life around it. The story is not about marriage. The story is about self-acceptance and trusting my instincts.
I forget the second thing I wanted to say was- haha! Oh right, your question about mistrust of relationships after a divorce as a kid- I think I have a mistrust of men that stems from several things, including my parents’ divorce, but as a child of divorce, I knew the pain I felt from their actions and was totally focused on building a family that would shield my kids from that pain. It felt like the greatest failure of my life- my whole reason for living lost- when I divorced my kids’ father.
There is such a lot to love in this post! Thank you, Jen - and Elise. ♥️