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November 22, 2023
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Thank you, Deborah!

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I like that one Jen, for a couple reasons. One, and I realize this is “selfish” maybe, but I like it because it reaffirms my own sense of the place of death in our lives and the ways we dealt with that with our kids: that death happens and we accept it and we keep on going. Two, this makes me realize how much I gravitate to writers for their voice, the unique way their writing reflects their approach to the world. This story for me is a great example of your particular voice and style. Love the pics of the live reading; I bet that was really cool.

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Thank you, Tom. What you said about Voice means a lot -- it's taken me a long time to feel confident writing in a way that feels like *me*.

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Jen!!!!! This is so beautiful, so good. I literally laughed and cried. And put my hand over my mouth knowing what was coming when your son said “do you want to see my dog?” (Like, OMG) Also loved the detail of Brian taking off his backpack and your girl passing moments right then. And her being your post party buddy/spirit guide. Your understanding of humor and irony is so on pointe but you don’t pull back the vulnerability either. I feel so lucky to have read this.👯‍♀️✨👏

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Thank you, Kara! These details are helpful to my writing process.

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Thanks for sharing this. Kudos to you. I love the detail of putting the dog in the freezer and what that says about Bryan and his ability to take care of things and to take care of you all. It is super impressive. I also love that it was Thanksgiving, and I love the story of Thomas asking everyone if they wanted to see his dog, and I love that you let him do that. I think I would have shut that down, and I'm so impressed that you didn't. I can't wait to read more.

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Mary, thank you for your detailed feedback. I think I didn't shut it down because I was so fascinated by Thomas' response and wanted to see what would happen!

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Loved the setup of story and how the family dog included would welcome Bryan home. I was surprised about the carrying on immediately after such a loss. Every loss & everyone is different, there is one dog we had as kids whose death was no big deal and others that were crushing. It seemed this dog was such a key member of your family I assumed it was a challenge to keep hosting. I wonder if there is more to that part of the story, I am curious to know how you were feeling. The part about your son not saying Rs brought lightness to what felt like a dark situation to me.

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Thank you for your generous feedback, Nicole!

>>It seemed this dog was such a key member of your family I assumed it was a challenge to keep hosting. I wonder if there is more to that part of the story, I am curious to know how you were feeling.<<

Thank you for this. I'm noticing I breeze past scenario narrative without spending much in the feelings of it -- definitely going to improve on that for the next draft. Also, this story will be interwoven with stories of how I found out my mom and step dad each died (at separate times) in the middle of busy home renovations and I had to sort of plow through life for a bit.

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I need to read this again and will comment.

For now, I will mention this --

“I look irritated in all the selfies I took that afternoon.”

I enjoy your candor because it helps me feel less alone as I experience similar situations -- and therefore, somewhat paradoxically, less irritated.

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haha love this!

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I really enjoyed this story! I laughed out loud and am also so impressed that you let your son show your guests the new resting place for your beloved dog. It was told very well and felt very human and filled with love. Thanks for sharing!

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Thank you, Sabrina!

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The vision of your dog rushing to the door made me happy, since that's what mine does, regardless of who shows up. It also made me sad, 'cause I know at some point that'll happen for the last time.

That quickly pivoted to laughter. I can only imagine your friends/family being taken to the freezer one by one. Tbh, that's my kind of absurdity. There is a beautiful lesson in there about grace and accepting the ephemeral nature of life. There's also something to be said about the wild reactions that must've inevitably followed each of these field trips.

I loved the way you set this story up, and your sense of humor/writing style came through in every sentence. Kudos for doing your own thing with the mug as well!

For your questions:

A kid at my afterschool was hit & killed by car when we were in kindergarten or first grade. No one ever (and I mean ever) spoke about it. My dad seemed wholly unprepared to field any questions on he drive home. It monsooned on the way--in the way it only can in the PNW-- and he used that as his escape route, muttering something about God crying, or whatever. That was the end of that.

A few years later, it was his turn, and he died in our kitchen right after Christmas. Interestingly (or not) a couple of EMTs took care to try and hop over the sprawling Lego city I'd built on the way to our kitchen. A little bit of thoughfulness at Go Time. Maybe they knew I was in for a rough few weeks and didn't want to pile on. I dunno.

My family didn't talk about it much, but everyone else sure did. My big takeaway from it all is that lots of people will say lots of things. Almost all of them will come from a place of love/good intentions, and you will find almost all of it annoying.

The closest either of my kids have come to experiencing a loss is losing their great grandmother. That was buffered by time (they hadn't seen her in a while) and geography (she lived in PDX). My older son had a friend get in a bad wreck that left her alive, but critically injured. She was in a coma for months, and I'm not sure if she's recovered or not. I am as ill-prepared to deal with that sort of thing as all the people in my life were.

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"That's my kind of absurdity." Love it!

>>There's also something to be said about the wild reactions that must've inevitably followed each of these field trips.<<

You bring up a good point. I wonder if I can remember who was there that day and interview them??

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Thanks for sharing about your family growing up, and about your dad's death. Everyone in my family was so open talking about death, I think because we were in the church and going to heaven was considered a comfort.

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I really liked this story! I’d be interested in knowing: what was going through your head when you realized he was taking thanksgiving guests down to see the dog’s body in the freezer? Did you have a discussion about it beforehand? Also what did the people say when they came back upstairs? If they said nothing, how did they seem? Were you watching for their nervous twitches? 🙃

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Yes! I agree these additions would improved the story. However, what do we do as memoir writers if we don't explicitly remember specific conversations or feelings? I only have these memories because of old journals and my former blog, but these histories don't always come with details about my feelings or he said/she said conversations. Can I fill in the story with how I *probably* responded?

I'm currently reading a memoir where the author has written detailed back-and-forth conversations from 10-15 years ago. While I'm skeptical she remembers those conversations to that level of detail, it does create an extremely engaging story.

I would appreciate any insight or opinion you have on that.

Thanks for your comment, Amanda!

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Hmmm. I see what you’re getting at. My general understanding is that memoir is the gift of bestowing memory through story and feeling and movement, not the reporting of verifiable, actual, restricted facts that you remember today. So unless that story took a sharp turn into accusing someone of a crime, you’ve got a lot of flexibility in your storytelling permissions here. Especially since the principle people in the story are your immediate family, you can imagine where you and they were at the time and reflect on what likely happened — and I would still consider that an accurate portrayal since they’re people whose character and mannerisms you know.

That example you shared about the one author sharing a back and forth conversation seems like quite a particular choice. I’m not sure I would feel comfortable quoting someone like that unless I had a tape recorder. Or without some sort of “I recall the chat going like this” disclaimer.

Hope that was helpful. 🧡

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Such a lovely post, Jen. I loved reading the very matter-of-fact way in which Thomas dealt with the loss. Beautiful.

The mug story is awesome. I think you'd dealt with your spiral absolutely perfectly!

Although I've got a little behind on my reading, your writing always brings me so much joy, and so much to think about. Thank you so much for the highlights you bring to my Substack inbox. 😘

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Thank you, Rebecca!

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