I loved this article! Thank you so much for writing it. It feels familiar, hopeful, and right on track. As a mom of a 25 year old, there were so many moments of teenage rebellion that I thought surely nothing noble or logical or good had been ever received by him. How surprised we were however when he thanked his Stepdad and I profusely as we dropped him off in College. How wonderous I am as he shares with me how he can talk freely with his atheist or Jewish and friends about the same God and the wisdom in seeking Him. He is an adult now, and as he stumbles through life, making mistakes still, like losing his first important job, I can see that the tiny seeds that were sown in childhood took root and became a tree that will help him get back up again and again. Great job MOM, no matter how many mistakes we made, God honored the bits wherever we tried. Pleass keep on writing, may your 2024 be absolutely amazing!
Welp, I got a good cry out of this. I'm not a parent but I am a god parent to 12 year old twins and even with that job, I constantly question my communication style. This story is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Keep going, Jen! Your words need a wider audience. I really like the way you included a more recent example. That's the part that resonated with me the most, maybe because I have recently apologized to both my young adult kids for a couple things I wish I had done differently in their younger years. (Also, I kind of love that you were proud of your daughter/parenting because of her apology, and completely skipped over the use of the word bitch. That would trip up some of the parents I've worked with in my churches. Let's normalize real-life vocabularies in faith-based books and families.) Also thanks for the driver's license image of phone education.
I also require my daughters to apologize "like you mean it" and worry that they are just faking their apologies to each other. Hopefully I'll have a happy story like your in a decade or so.
I hope it’s ok to have a favorite chapter. I write one roughly once a month that I feel this way about. And still trying to get the hang of tenses on a regular basis. Thanks for sharing!! And also we all have a favorite kid “of the moment.” That’s just honesty.
The “I TOLD you it would be fine” completely warmed my heart. ♥️ as a mom of a teen and tween I appreciate the smart phone analogy to driving a car too! Thanks!
I think most of parenting is doing what you think is right and hoping for the best. We get abstract feedback on how its going here and there, but that's more in the /absence/ of things happening (kid isn't failing, didn't get in a fight, etc.). But once in awhile an event like your daughter's text exchange comes out of nowhere and let's you know that, yes, that you've been doing good work. I think you've done a good job of articulating what is often really hard to describe.
As for my own upbringing: I'm almost 50, and I'm not sure I've ever heard my mom apologize. Certainly not to me, anyway. Same story with my dad when he was still alive.
What a great draft! I'm in the thick of it with my 9 and 11 year olds and this was practical and encouraging. I'm thinking a lot about apologizing and forgiveness while reading Danya Ruttenberg's book "On Repentance and Repair," and wondering about the whole making my kids apologize thing.
How does this story make you feel? It makes me feel like I can make a mistake, acknowledge it and keep living and loving. I felt safe after reading about each apology and yet also zinged right back to being 20 and having to apologize for being a bitch to a friend.
Are there particular moments in it that sparked a reaction? Yes. I was feeling proud of Ruthie for having the words to briefly apologize to her friend and then flashedback to the fact I'd have to do that on a shared house landline phone vs an individual phone that was mine.
Are there slow parts that don’t move the story forward? I paused when you referenced Mt. Rainier and thought maybe some of your international readers may not be familiar with her. Perhaps a photo? Dunno.
Parts you wish had more detail? Nope. I read the short version.
What is your own first memory of someone apologizing to you? I've not thought about it. Wow. Someone in my family apologizing to me, youngest kid in the family? Hmmmm. I'm going to need about two weeks and a few phone calls with my siblings to get to an answer.
As a child, how did your family talk about wrong-doing and apologizing? My family talked about everything but I'm blanking on any specific philosophy on apologizing. I probably learned how to apologize from Sesame Street.
So I read this and called my daughter asking her to apologize for me to the boy I snapped at yesterday when I was at her college. I wasn't trying to be mean but it was a stressful morning and my passion about the situation was a bit sharp. I could tell by his reaction he wanted to hide from me. And I suspect I need to make a better impression on him...I wish I had read this yesterday so I could have simply texted, I'm sorry I was a bitch this morning. Next time (and let's be real there will be a next time).
This is a really encouraging story, especially for parents! For me, for sure. <3
I honestly don't remember the first time someone apologized to me. I remember the most recent, because it happened this week (and I'm still sitting with how to respond because it has been five years since this person blocked me on the internet and whew, what do you do with that?), and I remember some of the good ones that my husband has given me. He may have been the first adult that ever apologized to me, to be honest. My parents were not (and still are not) apology people. I think I've gotten one apology from my mom, when she was absolutely emotionally devastated herself, and it was basically for... exposing me to my father's temper for, you know, my entire childhood. They're still together, and now I have to figure out how to explain to my children that this is how some families operate - with anger and without apologies. That's not how we operate - when we know better, we do better! I feel like I apologize to them a lot (perhaps too much, because obviously, in my family of origin, I was the one that was supposed to apologize for, well, everything - sock drawer open? sorry! tone of voice a little too teenage? sorry! made a face when the food was gross? sorry!). But at least I learned how to do it, and am modeling better things for my kids.
Anyway, this is a good shitty first draft and I look forward to seeing the final chapter. I'd love to see you expand on the conversation between your daughter's friend and you. As someone who jokes around like that a lot in my own family (maybe differently? i don't know your family well enough), I also often forget that other people's kids take things differently and harder or are just different than my own kids! One of the scouts I had this weekend started crying because she didn't speak up that she was uncomfortable, and I felt terrible, but I've worked pretty hard to make sure my kids speak up, and I forget to check in on the quieter ones. I apologized to her, too <3
I loved this article! Thank you so much for writing it. It feels familiar, hopeful, and right on track. As a mom of a 25 year old, there were so many moments of teenage rebellion that I thought surely nothing noble or logical or good had been ever received by him. How surprised we were however when he thanked his Stepdad and I profusely as we dropped him off in College. How wonderous I am as he shares with me how he can talk freely with his atheist or Jewish and friends about the same God and the wisdom in seeking Him. He is an adult now, and as he stumbles through life, making mistakes still, like losing his first important job, I can see that the tiny seeds that were sown in childhood took root and became a tree that will help him get back up again and again. Great job MOM, no matter how many mistakes we made, God honored the bits wherever we tried. Pleass keep on writing, may your 2024 be absolutely amazing!
Dr. Jackie
Welp, I got a good cry out of this. I'm not a parent but I am a god parent to 12 year old twins and even with that job, I constantly question my communication style. This story is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Keep going, Jen! Your words need a wider audience. I really like the way you included a more recent example. That's the part that resonated with me the most, maybe because I have recently apologized to both my young adult kids for a couple things I wish I had done differently in their younger years. (Also, I kind of love that you were proud of your daughter/parenting because of her apology, and completely skipped over the use of the word bitch. That would trip up some of the parents I've worked with in my churches. Let's normalize real-life vocabularies in faith-based books and families.) Also thanks for the driver's license image of phone education.
Oh, Jen, a delight from start to finish. And about the finish - it's wonderful, and brought a tear to my eye.
(Not a parent, just a human. And I'm GRIPPED by everything I know about your memoir so far.)
I love it! I can't wait for your book.
I also require my daughters to apologize "like you mean it" and worry that they are just faking their apologies to each other. Hopefully I'll have a happy story like your in a decade or so.
I hope it’s ok to have a favorite chapter. I write one roughly once a month that I feel this way about. And still trying to get the hang of tenses on a regular basis. Thanks for sharing!! And also we all have a favorite kid “of the moment.” That’s just honesty.
The “I TOLD you it would be fine” completely warmed my heart. ♥️ as a mom of a teen and tween I appreciate the smart phone analogy to driving a car too! Thanks!
I think most of parenting is doing what you think is right and hoping for the best. We get abstract feedback on how its going here and there, but that's more in the /absence/ of things happening (kid isn't failing, didn't get in a fight, etc.). But once in awhile an event like your daughter's text exchange comes out of nowhere and let's you know that, yes, that you've been doing good work. I think you've done a good job of articulating what is often really hard to describe.
As for my own upbringing: I'm almost 50, and I'm not sure I've ever heard my mom apologize. Certainly not to me, anyway. Same story with my dad when he was still alive.
What a great draft! I'm in the thick of it with my 9 and 11 year olds and this was practical and encouraging. I'm thinking a lot about apologizing and forgiveness while reading Danya Ruttenberg's book "On Repentance and Repair," and wondering about the whole making my kids apologize thing.
I can say with confidence that people care what you have to say 🫶🏽
How does this story make you feel? It makes me feel like I can make a mistake, acknowledge it and keep living and loving. I felt safe after reading about each apology and yet also zinged right back to being 20 and having to apologize for being a bitch to a friend.
Are there particular moments in it that sparked a reaction? Yes. I was feeling proud of Ruthie for having the words to briefly apologize to her friend and then flashedback to the fact I'd have to do that on a shared house landline phone vs an individual phone that was mine.
Are there slow parts that don’t move the story forward? I paused when you referenced Mt. Rainier and thought maybe some of your international readers may not be familiar with her. Perhaps a photo? Dunno.
Parts you wish had more detail? Nope. I read the short version.
What is your own first memory of someone apologizing to you? I've not thought about it. Wow. Someone in my family apologizing to me, youngest kid in the family? Hmmmm. I'm going to need about two weeks and a few phone calls with my siblings to get to an answer.
As a child, how did your family talk about wrong-doing and apologizing? My family talked about everything but I'm blanking on any specific philosophy on apologizing. I probably learned how to apologize from Sesame Street.
So I read this and called my daughter asking her to apologize for me to the boy I snapped at yesterday when I was at her college. I wasn't trying to be mean but it was a stressful morning and my passion about the situation was a bit sharp. I could tell by his reaction he wanted to hide from me. And I suspect I need to make a better impression on him...I wish I had read this yesterday so I could have simply texted, I'm sorry I was a bitch this morning. Next time (and let's be real there will be a next time).
This is a really encouraging story, especially for parents! For me, for sure. <3
I honestly don't remember the first time someone apologized to me. I remember the most recent, because it happened this week (and I'm still sitting with how to respond because it has been five years since this person blocked me on the internet and whew, what do you do with that?), and I remember some of the good ones that my husband has given me. He may have been the first adult that ever apologized to me, to be honest. My parents were not (and still are not) apology people. I think I've gotten one apology from my mom, when she was absolutely emotionally devastated herself, and it was basically for... exposing me to my father's temper for, you know, my entire childhood. They're still together, and now I have to figure out how to explain to my children that this is how some families operate - with anger and without apologies. That's not how we operate - when we know better, we do better! I feel like I apologize to them a lot (perhaps too much, because obviously, in my family of origin, I was the one that was supposed to apologize for, well, everything - sock drawer open? sorry! tone of voice a little too teenage? sorry! made a face when the food was gross? sorry!). But at least I learned how to do it, and am modeling better things for my kids.
Anyway, this is a good shitty first draft and I look forward to seeing the final chapter. I'd love to see you expand on the conversation between your daughter's friend and you. As someone who jokes around like that a lot in my own family (maybe differently? i don't know your family well enough), I also often forget that other people's kids take things differently and harder or are just different than my own kids! One of the scouts I had this weekend started crying because she didn't speak up that she was uncomfortable, and I felt terrible, but I've worked pretty hard to make sure my kids speak up, and I forget to check in on the quieter ones. I apologized to her, too <3