I often wonder if I screwed up my kids with my parenting decisions. They are pretty okay so far. Even though I still wonder how my oldest is so very different than me. She dealt with some anxiety as well and I had to learn about that as I handle things in a suck it up buttercup way. Thanks for these glimpses in the rear view mirror.
Delightful read, Jen, on a cloudy morning with some angst baked into the day’s unfolding. I SO appreciate your humor and joy in sharing your thoughts and great stories! Thank you. Keep at it!
"Do the best you can, and when you fuck it up, own it and apologize (but you probably didn’t fuck it up)."
We didn't leave our kid to die on Ranier, but instead let him wander PDX all by himself. Seemed reasonable enough-- he wanted to go for a walk, and we didn't (we were waiting for a very delayed arrival, so no risk of missing the flight). I found him two concourses away.
it's become a similar bit of lore in our family. And one we quit sharing-- I don't think we fucked it up, but other people sure seem to think we did.
Separately, I wonder how many kids share a similar anxiety? I never gave it much thought, but living in the shadow of Hood, Ranier, etc., there has to be quite a few?
You're a badass mom, in all the imperfectness. That's exactly why I wrote my caregiving memoir too. I needed the real story. Other books were how to be perfect, what an amazing thing I'm doing, how glad I would be. Gag. I needed to know other people screwed up and I wasn't on a hell-bound slip 'n slide. We do our best in the moment, and it's (usually) better than our worst.
Awww, thank you. I don't always feel bad ass, obviously, especially when in the middle of it. I love the hell-bound slip 'n slide visual! I'm working on a future essay about my love for and kinship with imperfect people.
Possibly if you felt badass in the middle of it, you wouldn't be being badass, just superior. In the moment, you're taking all future relationship with your kid into your incompetent hands. Later it turns out you weren't incompetent after all.
"We talked through it, and eventually, she was able to articulate her fear that Mount Rainier, an active volcano, would explode on us."
Well, she wasn't wrong - that's what volcanoes do! And she learned that without even a Richard Scarry book of What Does The Earth Do All Day?
Maybe the magic comes in thoughtfully syncing up timelines? Overlaying a few hours of family fun time on years of individual anxiety atop eons of volcanic activity, and hoping it all turns out well? As it (mostly) did.
"These books left me with the impression that parenting was like feeding an algorithm. If I entered the right data, I could expect a certain output..."
I keep reading over and over (maybe at least some of the populace is healing) that 'people aren't machines'. Once today already, and twice yesterday, in random posts and comments: People are people. Maybe the magic there is to remind ourselves always of that and act accordingly -- so wonderful that you folks had a heartfelt conversation that surfaced Ruthie's root fear.
Thank you for such a thoughtful and thought-provoking post!
Yes, the parenting algorithm bit came to me after years of living at the intersection of parenting inside legalistic evangelicalism and working in the tech sector as social media came to life. This input/output mentality is something I write about in my book.
Funny, our family has a similar story. We were on a road trip around Scotland with my stepdad and mom when I was 15. My mom went to climb yet another hill or something, i wasn't paying attention.
I was supposed to walk with her even though all I wanted to do is sit somewhere warm and cozy and read my book. She persisted and I gave her so much attitude that halfway up the hill (or so I thought) is at on a rock and she said fine just stay here and I'll see you on the way down. So I plumped myself down and waited. After about 30 minutes (I didn't have a phone with me, or a book) I decided I felt bad so I'll go up the trail and meet her on her way down.
Turned out the "hill" was Ben Nevis, the tallest point in Great Britain, and it took over 4 hours for me to reach the top where my mom arrived about 40 minutes before I did. I had a lot of time to think about my attitude by that point, and I think she knew that, so by the time I got there the fight was over without us even talking. It's one of my favourite yet most difficult teenage memories. I learnt a lot about my own temper but there isn't always an actual mountain to climb by myself when I'm struggling to get a hold of my own emotions.
Anyway, i didn't realise how many people abandoned their kids at feet of mountains hahahaha now that I have my own I fully understand the sentiment
LOL This made me laugh out loud: “Anyway, i didn't realise how many people abandoned their kids at feet of mountains hahahaha now that I have my own I fully understand the sentiment.” 😂 I’m so glad you shared this story! ❤️
This story brought back my own memories of questionable parenting moments. I remember a time we had waited in a Disney line for over an hour and just as we were about to climb on the ride, my daughter melted down. It was not one of my finer mom moments, big kid that I was so excited to finally get on the ride. I can't actually remember now, but I believe I had to take her back through the line. Thanks for your stories, a nice change from world news. 💕
Ohhhhh, I can feel that heat in my own chest as I think about similar parenting moments! Maddening! haha
Thanks for mentioning my stories in the context of world news. It feels weird to write about silly things in a time like this, but I appreciate that a distraction from it all can be worth the effort.
I can’t wait to read your book. For privacy reasons I won’t get into details, but I will say that we recently had a major oh shit moment with one of our kids in which we discovered that what we thought was one kind of behavior was in fact another. This knowledge has rewritten the narrative of our family to some degree. It’s an exceedingly humbling experience, and you’re absolutely right, you do the best you can, and when you find out you fucked up, because it’s inevitable, you apologize, acknowledge, and adjust.
Oh thank you, Asha! I'm excited to finish my book! :) And thank you for sharing your experience, I'm starting to realize how universal these oh shit parenting moments are. They have the ability to wreck us with guilt if we let them.
Thank you, Avivah! I have a friend with a second grader who says the same thing. She wants me to write more about the through-line from parenting in the younger years to now, so I keep her in mind as I draft essays.
You have my condolences. :) A fun book that I read when the kids were in middle school is called, "Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" The title sums up the experience pretty well!!
I can only hope my kiddo doesn’t remember the things that I keep replaying in my own head assuming they must’ve have impacted him…because I certainly messed up a lot! But maybe I’m lucky and he doesn’t remember- I love that your girl can laugh at these stories with you now!!
I thank you for the examples of "...when you fuck it up, own it and apologize..."because I have found this so beneficial with my own kiddos. Though they are 4 and 3, they seem to relax and let their guard down when I apologize for a rash assumption or generally loosing my shit (not that I would ever do such a thing...). That first picture of your children capture their dynamic perfectly :D I love it. Tell them hi for me (if they remember me or anything). :)
My aunt and my sister's MIL both gave her the same advice.
The stuff kids hold against them they don't remember doing. The stuff they thought would scar the kids for life? The kids don't remember at all.
MIL used to tell about the time they drove from DC to California in a station wagon with six kids. She remembered the kids were miserable and fighting every mile.
My BIL and his siblings remembered it as this great adventure where they saw all sorts of neat stuff.
You have a wise aunt! I remember a very miserable cold winter when my kids were small. My husband was working away from home, the boiler broke during a long freezing spell and I sat in my bed with seventeen layers and a big woolly hat on, crying snotty tears at my great misfortune.
The only thing my kids remember about it is bringing the shopping home on a sledge because we couldn't drive the car down our iced-up street. And one of them only remembers that because it was his idea, and being the one who has The Idea That Saves The Day is the main ambition of many 5 year olds.
Sending you good vibes as you continue to write your book. I hope you address the moments when we utterly fuck up. My daughter told me last week that I was good at apologizing and I was pretty proud.
I often wonder if I screwed up my kids with my parenting decisions. They are pretty okay so far. Even though I still wonder how my oldest is so very different than me. She dealt with some anxiety as well and I had to learn about that as I handle things in a suck it up buttercup way. Thanks for these glimpses in the rear view mirror.
I like to think that our worry around whether or not we're screwing it up is a strong indicator that we're probably going to be okay.
Delightful read, Jen, on a cloudy morning with some angst baked into the day’s unfolding. I SO appreciate your humor and joy in sharing your thoughts and great stories! Thank you. Keep at it!
Shannan
Thank you, Shannan! I love seeing your encouragement here in my comments.❤️
"Do the best you can, and when you fuck it up, own it and apologize (but you probably didn’t fuck it up)."
We didn't leave our kid to die on Ranier, but instead let him wander PDX all by himself. Seemed reasonable enough-- he wanted to go for a walk, and we didn't (we were waiting for a very delayed arrival, so no risk of missing the flight). I found him two concourses away.
it's become a similar bit of lore in our family. And one we quit sharing-- I don't think we fucked it up, but other people sure seem to think we did.
Separately, I wonder how many kids share a similar anxiety? I never gave it much thought, but living in the shadow of Hood, Ranier, etc., there has to be quite a few?
I think the freedom to wander is one of those GenX experiences that's good for our kids to also experience.
You're a badass mom, in all the imperfectness. That's exactly why I wrote my caregiving memoir too. I needed the real story. Other books were how to be perfect, what an amazing thing I'm doing, how glad I would be. Gag. I needed to know other people screwed up and I wasn't on a hell-bound slip 'n slide. We do our best in the moment, and it's (usually) better than our worst.
Awww, thank you. I don't always feel bad ass, obviously, especially when in the middle of it. I love the hell-bound slip 'n slide visual! I'm working on a future essay about my love for and kinship with imperfect people.
Possibly if you felt badass in the middle of it, you wouldn't be being badass, just superior. In the moment, you're taking all future relationship with your kid into your incompetent hands. Later it turns out you weren't incompetent after all.
"We talked through it, and eventually, she was able to articulate her fear that Mount Rainier, an active volcano, would explode on us."
Well, she wasn't wrong - that's what volcanoes do! And she learned that without even a Richard Scarry book of What Does The Earth Do All Day?
Maybe the magic comes in thoughtfully syncing up timelines? Overlaying a few hours of family fun time on years of individual anxiety atop eons of volcanic activity, and hoping it all turns out well? As it (mostly) did.
"These books left me with the impression that parenting was like feeding an algorithm. If I entered the right data, I could expect a certain output..."
I keep reading over and over (maybe at least some of the populace is healing) that 'people aren't machines'. Once today already, and twice yesterday, in random posts and comments: People are people. Maybe the magic there is to remind ourselves always of that and act accordingly -- so wonderful that you folks had a heartfelt conversation that surfaced Ruthie's root fear.
Thank you for such a thoughtful and thought-provoking post!
Yes, the parenting algorithm bit came to me after years of living at the intersection of parenting inside legalistic evangelicalism and working in the tech sector as social media came to life. This input/output mentality is something I write about in my book.
Ah I wish I understood my own anxiety earlier.
Funny, our family has a similar story. We were on a road trip around Scotland with my stepdad and mom when I was 15. My mom went to climb yet another hill or something, i wasn't paying attention.
I was supposed to walk with her even though all I wanted to do is sit somewhere warm and cozy and read my book. She persisted and I gave her so much attitude that halfway up the hill (or so I thought) is at on a rock and she said fine just stay here and I'll see you on the way down. So I plumped myself down and waited. After about 30 minutes (I didn't have a phone with me, or a book) I decided I felt bad so I'll go up the trail and meet her on her way down.
Turned out the "hill" was Ben Nevis, the tallest point in Great Britain, and it took over 4 hours for me to reach the top where my mom arrived about 40 minutes before I did. I had a lot of time to think about my attitude by that point, and I think she knew that, so by the time I got there the fight was over without us even talking. It's one of my favourite yet most difficult teenage memories. I learnt a lot about my own temper but there isn't always an actual mountain to climb by myself when I'm struggling to get a hold of my own emotions.
Anyway, i didn't realise how many people abandoned their kids at feet of mountains hahahaha now that I have my own I fully understand the sentiment
LOL This made me laugh out loud: “Anyway, i didn't realise how many people abandoned their kids at feet of mountains hahahaha now that I have my own I fully understand the sentiment.” 😂 I’m so glad you shared this story! ❤️
This story brought back my own memories of questionable parenting moments. I remember a time we had waited in a Disney line for over an hour and just as we were about to climb on the ride, my daughter melted down. It was not one of my finer mom moments, big kid that I was so excited to finally get on the ride. I can't actually remember now, but I believe I had to take her back through the line. Thanks for your stories, a nice change from world news. 💕
Ohhhhh, I can feel that heat in my own chest as I think about similar parenting moments! Maddening! haha
Thanks for mentioning my stories in the context of world news. It feels weird to write about silly things in a time like this, but I appreciate that a distraction from it all can be worth the effort.
I can’t wait to read your book. For privacy reasons I won’t get into details, but I will say that we recently had a major oh shit moment with one of our kids in which we discovered that what we thought was one kind of behavior was in fact another. This knowledge has rewritten the narrative of our family to some degree. It’s an exceedingly humbling experience, and you’re absolutely right, you do the best you can, and when you find out you fucked up, because it’s inevitable, you apologize, acknowledge, and adjust.
Oh thank you, Asha! I'm excited to finish my book! :) And thank you for sharing your experience, I'm starting to realize how universal these oh shit parenting moments are. They have the ability to wreck us with guilt if we let them.
Wonderful! And sounds like good enough parenting to me Jen.
And agree we need more books about parenting older / adult kids
It’s a lifelong learning thing.
Thank you, Avivah! I have a friend with a second grader who says the same thing. She wants me to write more about the through-line from parenting in the younger years to now, so I keep her in mind as I draft essays.
Great, will keep an eye out Jen!
Very timely read for me as we are dealing with HEAPS of tween sourness round these parts
You have my condolences. :) A fun book that I read when the kids were in middle school is called, "Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" The title sums up the experience pretty well!!
Yes, my friend called it "fuck you, tuck me in!" 😂
I can only hope my kiddo doesn’t remember the things that I keep replaying in my own head assuming they must’ve have impacted him…because I certainly messed up a lot! But maybe I’m lucky and he doesn’t remember- I love that your girl can laugh at these stories with you now!!
In the long arc of parenting, I think they mostly remember the love. ❤️
I thank you for the examples of "...when you fuck it up, own it and apologize..."because I have found this so beneficial with my own kiddos. Though they are 4 and 3, they seem to relax and let their guard down when I apologize for a rash assumption or generally loosing my shit (not that I would ever do such a thing...). That first picture of your children capture their dynamic perfectly :D I love it. Tell them hi for me (if they remember me or anything). :)
I will tell them hi!
My aunt and my sister's MIL both gave her the same advice.
The stuff kids hold against them they don't remember doing. The stuff they thought would scar the kids for life? The kids don't remember at all.
MIL used to tell about the time they drove from DC to California in a station wagon with six kids. She remembered the kids were miserable and fighting every mile.
My BIL and his siblings remembered it as this great adventure where they saw all sorts of neat stuff.
You do your best.
I love this!
You have a wise aunt! I remember a very miserable cold winter when my kids were small. My husband was working away from home, the boiler broke during a long freezing spell and I sat in my bed with seventeen layers and a big woolly hat on, crying snotty tears at my great misfortune.
The only thing my kids remember about it is bringing the shopping home on a sledge because we couldn't drive the car down our iced-up street. And one of them only remembers that because it was his idea, and being the one who has The Idea That Saves The Day is the main ambition of many 5 year olds.
I don't ever remember being given a choice or an option.
Never.
🥹
I asked my husband to leave me for dead on one of the Pitons in St. Lucia a few years back. I relate to your daughter so well.
haha thank you for this, I LOL'd. What I didn't mention in the essay is that my daughter gets the attitude from me. :)
Sending you good vibes as you continue to write your book. I hope you address the moments when we utterly fuck up. My daughter told me last week that I was good at apologizing and I was pretty proud.