That Time I Bought Six Boxes of Three-Pack Microwave Popcorn

Spending down those Dining Dollars so the university can't steal my money. Sorry, OUR money.

Hi, it’s me.

Sorry I’m late! It’s finals week for my college kiddos, and we have one who’s also moving out of the dorms. Did you know finals week is the same week as move-out week?! Students who have a final on Friday must ALSO MOVE OUT by Friday, somehow juggling both studying AND packing. Who designed this schedule?! Certainly not a mom of college kiddos. We would NEVER. A Mom of College Kiddos (MOCK) would schedule finals through Friday and move-outs by Sunday, or the following Wednesday. I mean, wow.

So my son, Thomas—actually, our son Thomas. Bryan was offended that I referred to my boot birdhouse last week when it’s our boot birdhouse—he reminded me at dinner tonight that we still needed to go to the campus grocery store to spend the remaining money left on his Dining Dollars card. This is the debit card he uses for accessing campus meals and groceries based on a fixed dollar amount we pay at the beginning of the year. Do we get to decide this amount? No. We have, like, three choices and we picked the lowest amount, because if he doesn’t spend it all, he loses it.

How much money did he have left, you ask?

$1,300, my friend.

Yes, we attempted to spend $1,300 at a campus grocery store where everything is packaged in the smallest possible container because their primary customers live in dorm rooms the size of a large walk-in closet. Except ketchup! They carried giant bottle of ketchup but teeny tiny bottles of salad dressing and teeny tiny jars of jam. But good news! The teeny tiny bottles and jars were the same price as the regular sized bottles and jars in a regular sized grocery store!

(That was not good news. That was sarcasm.)

Here is a small sampling of what we purchased:

• so much pasta

• bulk chips in a case

• salad dressing

• instant soups in a case

• so many crackers

• tissues and compost bags

• computer paper and spiral notebooks

• batteries

• Tylenol

• a case of York Peppermint Patties

• sliced cheese and salami that can be frozen

Did you know campus grocery stores sell thick ribeye steaks for $16.99/pound? It’s a ridiculous price. I’m not sure what 20-year-old can afford such a fancy steak or even know how to grill it the way it deserves to be grilled. But never mind! The butcher counter closed five minutes before we arrived, so we couldn’t stock up on steaks even if we wanted to!

At check out, a kid named Jude looked at our TWO grocery carts filled with food and gestured to a case of Hawaiian brand Sweet Onion kettle chips next to him.

“Is this yours, too?” he asked.

“How could you tell?” I said, pulling the second cart up to the counter.

“Wild guess,” he said.

As he rang up our order, he noted that someone came in earlier with $1,600 left to spend, so at least our total wasn’t so bad.

“They spent most of it on meat,” said Jude, “and then, like, $200 on regular food.”

If we were living an episode of The Amazing Race, I would be so mad that Sixteen Hundred Dollar Guy beat us to the Meat Counter Detour.

“COME ON, JUDE!” I would yell at the poor kid ringing us up. “PICK UP THE PACE! WE CAN STILL CATCH UP TO THE OTHER TEAM!”

Lucky for Jude, we weren’t in a rush. Except that Thomas still needed to write a final paper once we got home.

If this doesn’t look like $1,300 worth of groceries, it’s because it’s only $750 worth of groceries. He’ll have to make another trip by end of day Friday.

Hope you enjoyed this adventure.

Until next time,

Jen