Adventures In Anxiety

I had an epiphany about my panic attack! Plus: What's happening in my garden this week.

Welcome to another edition of my newsletter, Pretend You’re Good At It: Personal stories about fear, flailing, and figuring it out, sent weekly on Wednesdays.

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Hi, it’s me.

It’s Saturday morning as I’m writing this, and summer has finally arrived in Seattle–right on schedule as it does most years, on or around the 4th of July. There is nothing but sun and temperatures in the high 80s ahead of us, which means that now we shift from complaining about the gloom to complaining about the relentless heat. In Seattle, this is the way. We are only happy in September, as long as we’re not getting suffocated by wildfire smoke.

At my day job in the nonprofit human services sector, I’m on the homestretch of a grueling deadline: a large, multi-year grant proposal that I hope to submit by the time you’re reading this, though it’s not technically due until Friday. While it’s been a super busy couple of months, I get energized by startup-y kind of program development and messaging strategy. Creating something out of nothing and solving puzzles are two of my favorite things to do professionally! 

But even when it’s fun, it’s still hard.

(That’s what she said.)

One of the unhealthy ways I tend to respond in busy or stressful seasons like this is to despair that it will always be this way. My summer is ruined! I’ll tell myself. This is followed by a chain reaction of mental anguish, leading to a bitter pot of coal at the end of a black rainbow. Here, a chain smoking goth chicken who looks twice imprisoned exhales smoke into my face and growls, “Your project will be over two weeks, idiot. Quit your whining.”

This usually breaks the Spell of Despair (SOD).

Does that ever happen to you? The despair, I mean. Not the mocking goth chicken.

Spotted these two crows while I was walking through the cemetery this week. My kid said they looked like a reincarnated couple visiting their old grave. (July 2024)

You may recall about a month ago when I wrote about having my first ever panic attack. My anxiety symptoms remained intense through May and most of June, but have now subsided. I have an update on this below, but first, here’s what I had to say about it as it was happening:

I think I had my first ever panic attack a couple weeks ago. Is there a club I can join? Preferably one with cool jackets or stickers.

I’ve honestly never had an anxiety problem. I’m the opposite, actually, holding an extreme go-with-the-flow mentality that sometimes causes people to tell me I need to be more concerned about something. I don’t worry or lay awake at night thinking. I’m seriously a very chill person, which is probably why it took me several hours to identify my symptoms as a probable panic attack.

Since that first attack/experience, I’ve continued to struggle with anxiety, but with less severe symptoms. They are mostly physical, like a tight chest and increased heart rate. I don’t like it. Anxiety is really harshing my chill vibe, especially since I can’t even pin it to a reason or a cause.

Anxiety and panic attacks can be related to dropping estrogen levels associated with perimenopause. Since I don’t have a history of anxiety or panic attacks, this explanation is my current theory.

I still believe perimenopause is one explanation for the spike in anxiety. At that point I hadn’t had a period in six weeks (I went eleven weeks total this time), and as I understand it, anxiety and depression can be a symptom of sustained low levels of estrogen. 

But something else was going on at the same time that could explain my anxiety:

• It was a year ago in May 2023 that Bryan started chemotherapy. I spent the summer holding my shit together as the strong and supportive caregiver and Emotional Support Spouse (ESS), while continuing to work full time at my brand new job. 

• The year before that in May 2022, I was laid off from a very stressful job in a highly dysfunctional organization that continually gaslit me regarding my skills and abilities. It took me months to decompress from that experience, and starting this newsletter was part of what helped. 

• The year before that in May 2021, my mom died, which I wrote about here.

• The year before that in May 2020, I was continuing to work onsite at a transitional housing program for women exiting homelessness, despite a deadly pandemic that drove everyone else to isolate and work from home. For months, I had to hold my shit together at work and at home in order to just keep moving forward, despite the fear and uncertainty of what we were all dealing with. By September, I was in full pandemic burnout mode.

As I put this timeline together one day, I was like, “Oh, bad things happen to me in May, and I don’t always have the luxury of slowing down to process those things.” This year I think my body was gearing up for another round of May Survival Mode even though I (thankfully) had nothing to “survive,” and all that unused energy was just bouncing around inside me. 

The body really does keep the score, which is one of those books I’ve heard so much about that I feel like I’ve read it, but I haven’t actually read it. Have you?

Finally bought this book.

Speaking of anxiety, have you seen the movie, Inside Out 2? Did you like it? I loved it and thought it was perfect, and I cried during the climactic scene toward the end. You know the one I’m talking about. It’s the scene where you gasped and covered your mouth and couldn’t believe how accurately they captured that feeling. Me too.

Thanks for reading. I enjoy sharing these moments of clarity with you and reading your comments.

Until next time,

Jen

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Ask Me Anything 🌼

I’m still planning to do an upcoming Ask Me Anything About: Perimenopause—I just haven’t had the time or brain space to thoughtfully respond to the questions I’ve received so far. If you have a question or want to see what the AMA is all about, you can learn more here (it’s a Google form):

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In the garden this week 🌼

Since we last spoke, I harvested rhubarb and garlic!

The rhubarb leaves were massive this year, and my plant is getting so big that I harvested way more rhubarb than I can possibly use. I chopped and froze eighteen cups and gave a bunch away to neighbors.

I only grew 37 heads of garlic this year, which is a dramatic drop from 87 and 101 in previous years. I have no idea why I didn’t plant as much garlic in the fall last year—I didn’t keep a gardening journal like I usually do, and I don’t remember my reasoning. I hope I don’t regret it! I’ve grown used to always having roasted garlic and garlic confit on hand.

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A few One Second Everyday moments from June 🌼